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Every single person I know wishes they could find a relationship with someone who’s a little more in touch with their emotions, maybe even their spiritual side.
Most of us imagine someone who’s down to earth, the opposite of all the f*ck boys on dating apps—you know, the ones who text you “hi” and then immediately ask if you like it from behind. We’re done with the heartbreakers of the world. We want a companion who’s a little deeper than that, a friendly, open-minded individual that we can take to yoga and have long, interesting conversations with.
That’s why so many of us are in danger of falling prey to a different kind of predator.
I used to work part-time in a yoga studio, a job that I loved, and I’ve been active in my city’s creative and wellness communities, so I’ve come in contact with a lot of interesting people, most of whom are absolutely wonderful individuals. But I’ve also met and observed plenty of jerks masquerading as good people. You’ve heard of wolves in sheep’s clothing? Well, these are wolves in sustainable hemp clothing.
Yoga studios, wellness retreats, raw juice bars, and vegan cooking classes can all be great places to meet potential romantic partners, especially if you’re into health, self-improvement, and are interested in spirituality. Just be careful that you don’t accidentally “manifest” a New Age Player.
They’re slick, mostly because they seem so attentive at first, so they can be hard to spot. They’re easy to fall for too, because who wouldn’t love a partner who can make a perfect coconut milk matcha latte, over a campfire, while reciting Bernstein’s later poetry, and strumming a 12-string acoustic guitar?
There will be a lot of red flags, but you’ll ignore them because they look like Tibetan prayer flags. Sure, he sends you dick pics, but he always includes an inspirational quote with them, or her best pick-up line is “Hey, baby, did you know that you’re pasted on my vision board?” They’re also not above texting you at 2 a.m., but don’t worry, this isn’t a random hook-up—it’s tantric.
New Age Players are adept at engaging in a lot of a*s-holistic behavior and making it seem totally innocent, virtuous even. For instance, he’ll ghost you for months and suddenly resurface with the excuse that he couldn’t call because, duh, he was practicing silent meditation. After that, she’ll blame her many missteps on Mercury being in retrograde again, and of course she can be moody and unpredictable—she’s a Gemini, what do you expect?
Those other girls gushing all over his Instagram? Come on, he was just helping them practice acroyoga. Naked. And obviously, the only reason you’re upset is because you’re brainwashed by Western, puritanical views on chastity. Didn’t Alan Watts say something about monogamy being unnatural? Oh, and by the way, can he borrow a hundred bucks? That job at the float therapy place is no more because they were too busy seeking enlightenment to actually work.
The key to dealing with the New Age Player is to manage your expectations. Just because a person has great taste in art and music, and can do a badass Peacock pose, doesn’t always mean they have real depth, or that they’re even good relationship material. Know what you’re getting into, and understand that although he can talk about his spirit animal, this guy (or girl, or not) most likely isn’t your soul mate. That doesn’t mean that they don’t have some good points, though.
New Age Players, as long as they aren’t expected to make a commitment, or stick around with any consistency, can actually be a lot of fun. Hanging out with them can even have some benefits. At the very least, they’ll be nice to your cat, and can make you an awesome plant-based, green curry. They might introduce you to some great music and poetry, or an interesting new meditation practice. Did I mention that they’re also incredible in bed? Just don’t make the mistake of falling in love. Mind-blowing sex does not mean that two people share a powerful, soul-level connection that transcends the earthly plane. It just means they have physical chemistry. Leave it at that.
Enjoy the wolves in sustainable hemp clothing for what they are worth, and know from the start what you’re getting into with this type. Don’t make the mistake of projecting your own ideas for what these people could be onto them.
If you’re seeking a relationship grounded in reality or if you expect your lover to adhere to more traditional values, don’t fall for these sensitive, seductive wiles.
Just tell the New Age Player to namaste-away.