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As I sit here now, my heart feels like it’s hurting, melancholic, down in the dumps, just f*cking wretched.
You know the feeling? It’s like a dull ache that tells us something is wrong. It’s an all too familiar feeling that finds me whenever I need to pierce the rain cloud of my heart and let it pour.
That’s the great thing about emotions; the negative ones are there to indicate to us that something has gone awry within our energy system. They want us to question what is not fitting in with our alignment and change it, process it, or release it.
Emotions are like that one honest friend who tells us the truth even if we don’t want to hear it. The friend who is about as subtle as a kick up the butt, but who loves us dearly and has our best interests at heart.
These negative emotions (sadness, anger, jealousy, depression, to name just a few) show up to create a bump in the road (or a big f*cking mountain in some cases) which hinder our path.
It is like coming to a roadblock sign that reads:
“Stop. You cannot go any further until you have acknowledged this emotion.”
It forces us to pause, assess the situation, and make a choice. We can change our perspective, take a different route, and let go of something. Or we can swallow the emotion and carry on regardless.
The choice of free will gives us the power to proceed (if we want to) without heeding the warning. However, we must then take responsibility that we are travelling on a road that may not be headed to where we want to be. We are carrying baggage that we ought to have unburdened ourselves with 10 miles back, instead of bringing it on the pathway beyond the roadblock.
The sad song in my heart right now is telling me that I am holding onto something that is no longer in alignment with who I am. I am at a roadblock.
I know this, but I don’t want to let go.
Have you ever held onto something that you knew wasn’t good for you until the bitter end, just because you didn’t want to let go? You decide the tears in your eyes can wait until another day, and you can ignore the wretched feeling for just a little longer.
Today, I don’t want to be the responsible adult that chooses soul growth and owns her sh*t. Or the person that has continuously broken herself down to her core and rebuilt herself piece-by-piece; each time stronger and more whole than before.
Because f*ck, let me tell you, it is messy and it doesn’t hurt any less each time I do it.
Today, I want to be an imperfect human that doesn’t have to face up to hard decisions or do everything by the book of “what’s best for me.” I want to be reckless with my heart and not follow the rules. I want to put extra syrup on my pancakes and flambé some brandy on that bad boy just because I can.
Today, I am being a flawed human being, and that is allowed.
After a little flirtation with being a rebel, my head always guides me back to the, “Don’t do stupid sh*t” rule book. It’s a pretty good read and it goes something like this:
“Don’t do stupid sh*t like overstaying a situation that is no longer bringing soul growth when you know fully well that all the red flags are there.”
But, we do stay for a while, don’t we? Just to make totally sure that we’ve given it all that we’ve got. We assess it in the cold light of day, then we make a choice—this is soul growth.
In the end, I submit to the rules of soul growth, because it is what’s best for me and others, and I love myself enough to honour that.
I work through the disappointment that I did not reap what was sown, and now I am learning why. I acknowledge that my heart is aching to be explored; the depths of me, the broken bits, the fury, and all the pieces of the past that made me who I am.
I sit with the resentment I feel because there is a gaping whole where intimacy should have been, but that whole was filled with salt and grit instead. I make peace with the frustration of all the words piling up inside me that are not welcome to the ears of those who remain asleep.
This is soul growth.
Soul growth sometimes conjures up images of meditating on a beach or Buddhist monks sitting atop a mountain for hours on end. For most of us though, this isn’t our experience. Soul growth is rarely peaceful, though it can help us find peace. It means facing our darkness and hanging our issues out to dry. It is acknowledging the engulfing feeling of jealousy in one minute, and the dull ache of disappointment in the next. It is learning through adversity and stripping our raw, salted skin to the bone in the name of growth.
It is questioning everything, and following the curiosity of our adventurous hearts that keep connecting without boundaries, despite being hurt again and again.
It is unlearning all the sh*t we’ve had piled on top of us; uncovering the diamond in the dirt.
This journey is not all love, light, and namaste. This is heavy, soul-splitting, limit-stretching, boundary breaking work. To be fully engaged on this path of soul growth, we need the courage of a lion and balls of goddamn steel.
Healing and growth cannot take place if we do not open the lid to the jar of our vulnerabilities. For this, we are making an unspoken agreement to be hurt in order to learn, stretch, and expand for our highest soul purpose and growth. We must realise that our experiences are a reflection of our inner selves and choose to learn from it.
There is beauty in this rawness, honesty, and awareness within oneself.
Today my heart is sore, and I am grateful for this opportunity for soul growth.