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Warning! Naughty language ahead.
For a long time, I didn’t respect my body or my vagina enough to tell a man to put a sock on it.
With our whole world popping birth control pills like they are coffee, when I went off the pill, it was a drag for a lot of men.
“What, you’re not on birth control?”
“It just doesn’t feel good with a condom on.”
“I can’t come—condoms suck so much.”
I began to feel self-conscious and guilty about pleasing partners if I said no to a condom.
In relationships or flings, it was truly a rare thing for them to be with someone without birth control pumping through their veins.
Birth control is the devil. I have spent six years rebalancing my body and hormones, finally my skin and emotions are leveling out.
If you’ve been curious about going off birth control—do it.
I use an amazing app called Natural Cycles that has a thermometer, which is really simple and doesn’t involve pumping your body full of hormones to prevent pregnancy. I simply take my temperature every morning under my tongue and enter the temperature into my app, then says, “Use Protection” or “Not Fertile.”
I feel so much more connected to my body and cycle off birth control—I can feel when my egg drops when I’m ovulating as a small pinch sometimes. I love feeling my body and knowing what is happening inside of me.
Once I took the leap tracking my ovulation, connecting with my body, and balancing my hormones—I found that navigating men who are accustomed to women being on birth control since they are 14 was now a thing.
The undertones of patriarchy triggered me.
“You need to not wear a condom, so it feels good for you—at the expense of me maybe getting pregnant and/or contriving a sexual disease?”
Setting the boundary at first was hard for me because, as women, we are wired to please men, without fully realizing it.
“If I ask him to wear a condom, he will leave me to find a vagina that he can raw-dog it in.”
I mean, just listen to how crazy that thought is. If a man is only worried about how sex feels for him and not his responsibility in intercourse, smack his ass on the way out.
Yet, I had those same thoughts too—and they sometimes got in the way of me being stricter with my body, and why I am writing this article this morning.
Here’s my protocol on boundaries, unprotected sex, and not getting pregnant:
1. Everyone gets checked before sex.
If I’ve dated someone for a little while and we like each other and it’s evolving to sex, I get myself checked and ask them to get checked. It’s nonnegotiable. With charting my ovulation there are some days of my cycle I do feel comfortable to have unprotected sex, and on those days, I still want to know I am not bringing any sexual diseases inside of my body.
If you’re like—yo, Janne that’s cute but what about one-night stands or hookups?
Just put a fucking sock on it—do you want herpes or HIV for the rest of your life? Do you want to stress every day before you get your period? An hour of pleasure is not worth the risk. Be frisky all you want—but it’s your body for your entire life so take responsibility for it.
Also, if you haven’t been tracking regularly (every day) for a few months prior to having sex, it might not be worth risking getting pregnant.
I feel grateful to live in a country where the morning after pill and abortion are an option. I’ve had an abortion, and those are last resort preventatives—taking the time to be safe is always worth it.
2. Track your ovulation responsibly—you are responsible for your womb.
I am responsible for my body and my womb. I am responsible for tracking my ovulation every morning and when it says, “Use Protection” to have him put a condom on. I found, in my last relationship, that this actually created small honeymoon phases for the days we could have unprotected sex.
3. If he can’t handle a condom—he’s out.
If a man lifts an eye at me for not being on birth control and I educate him on the cons of birth control (and why it’s basically like aspartame aka the devil) and he still doesn’t get it and support my choice—he’s out!
If a man doesn’t respect me or his body enough to wear a condom, I don’t want him inside of me.
We need to potty train men that not all women are on birth control anymore and it’s a rude awakening for some of them—and they will adjust just like we did when we went off it.
4. Unprotected sex is okay sometimes.
Of course, raw, unprotected sex feels way yummier and connective—I am not saying don’t ever have it—I am saying be a damn grown-up, respect your yoni, and make sure your man respects his body and yours.
If you’re charting and it’s a safe day (and you know your man’s not sticking his dick in other honey pots)—then there is a much smaller risk of getting pregnant on these days.
Notice how I said smaller—neither birth control or charting will 100 percent guarantee you won’t get pregnant. There will always be a small risk.
These boundaries are some of things that help me in my sex life—I hope they help you, too.