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August 16, 2019

My Hardest Choice.

 

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On this date, seven years ago, I made the most difficult decision; I chose to terminate my one and only pregnancy.

I struggled with this choice for weeks prior, canceling and rescheduling the procedure four times before I was able to find the courage and strength to follow through.

2012 was a hard year. My mom was battling breast cancer and I was deeply involved in her care. I was in a relationship with a man who made me feel weak and small in ways I’d never imagined. My mental and physical health were suffering and my support system was crumbling before my eyes.

I received a sonogram photo after a visit to the hospital in which I thought I was miscarrying. I heard a fast and tiny heartbeat. I cried. So much. And I prayed for clarity.

I sought advice from my mom, who was consumed by depression in the midst of her cancer battle and mistakenly encouraged me to terminate my pregnancy because, “I wasn’t mother material.” I questioned her words. I questioned my strength. I questioned the damage I was already causing the tiny cells inside my womb. I felt defeated.

I can recall the sights, smells, and sounds of 8/15/12 with ease. To this day, I cannot listen to the song that played overhead during my procedure, which ironically, was Jason Mraz’s “I Won’t Give Up.” I remember the pit I felt in my stomach and the ache I felt in my heart. That ache has never left as I often find myself longing for a love I will never know.

I face my sonogram photo daily. I acknowledge the life that could have bloomed from my pregnancy. I know it would have given me a little girl. I have given her a name and I think of her often. I find comfort in knowing she lives in Heaven with my mom and I pray she understands why she could not stay here with me.

I do not regret my decision. I made the best choice for the person I was at that time, in the circumstances I was in. I did what was best for myself and the potential child. My body could not have been a healthy home for her, it was facing too many demons.

Abortion is never an easy choice, but for me it was a necessary one. Please be kind to those of us that have walked this path. Our choice does not make us evil or inhumane, it simply means we loved differently.

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