August 7, 2019

Why Men are so damn Scared of Intimacy.


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Why do so many men struggle in partnership?

Why are we so scared of intimacy?

I was an emotionally unavailable man for years, then I had a big breakthrough. I’ve since worked with hundreds of men to help them face their intimacy blocks.

This poem may help. It was performed live in front of the mountains, and a deer. Please pay special attention to how you, or someone you know, might be similar.

This has been my journey:


Why Some Men Struggle In Love & Partnership 

I tried.
I tried to make it work.
I swear I’m not a jerk.

I mean, it’s been tough,
you’re not enough.
And this is all your stuff.

If you would only…
be who I want you to be.
Then I could be discomfort free.
Living in my fantasy
And the illusion that love is easy.

Instead, my wall is up.
And I’ve shut down.
And now I’m starting to wear a frown.

I’m not blaming you
I’m just saying what is true
That it’s not me,
it’s you.

I won’t commit
I’ll get you to quit
And then pretend like I don’t give a sh*t.

Damn bro.
You don’t even see
That it is you who is far from free.

Your blame is mean
It’s a smokescreen
That keeps you from feeling seen.

And below your blame
Is a fortress you’ve built to protect your shame

You’re blind to the fact that you made a decision
And you are in a self-made prison
Called the male condition.

You’ve fallen asleep
You’re acting like a sheep.
She’s about to weep.
And the cost of your actions are getting steep.

Oh, and you’ve got one more layer in here,
It’s called fear.

The classic male issue with intimacy
That has you want to flee
You posture over it because you were taught to act tough and strong
for however long
in order to belong.

But you’re just like the rest of us man
You don’t want to be rejected,
Which is not what you expected
You hunkered down and you protected
So that hurt little boy in you wouldn’t be detected.

When all he really wants is to feel…

But instead of facing any of this
You make her wrong with a list
you defend and justify
Turn a blind eye
Run and hide.

And you stay on the sidelines
So no one sees you
Even tho you desperately want to be seen.

Not for your mask
or the task,
or the ways you depart
but for your incredible human heart.

Look, dude, I don’t want you to miss your future wife
because your repressed emotions are running your life.

So check yourself
Before you wreck yourself.

Wow, I don’t even see that I am bleeding
Or how that could be misleading
That’s how blind I am to seeing
Or believing

That I have a part
That would mean I’d have to start
Which might mean my story would come apart
And reveal my broken heart.

All this time I thought I was a good communicator
Now I’m starting to feel like a traitor
And a hater
All she wanted was for me to date her
But my favorite line was I’ll see you later
Now I see that I am the one common denominator.

In all my relationship failures
Sh*t I hate not being right
It makes me wanna fight
It brings up my father wound that I could never get anything right
Then I defend myself with all my might
But, you’re helping me with my plight
I’m starting to see the light.

So I submit and admit
that I don’t know sh*t
about relationship or partnership
And that it’s me who quit
That’s what’s legit.

Let me summarize how I’ve played the game
I blame.
Then I feel shame
I don’t want to feel my shame,
So I medicate over that pain
And then I blame
Then I feel more shame
I don’t want to feel more shame,
So I medicate over that pain
And I blame
All of this keeps me in my narrow frame
And I feel disdain
As I push away that pain
And remain,

Limping along,

And resistant
At least I’m consistent
But now…
I’m persistent.

‘Cause I wanna get this
I won’t want to  dismiss
Or miss this.

So here’s a twist,
What if my strength and my vulnerability can coexist?

Yeah, I think I can
That’s the new plan
I’ve been an unavailable man
And I’ve created an unbelievable sham
I built a damn.

A wall so tall
Even that hurt little boy had to crawl.
He felt so small.

But now?
I’ve got the key
And I’m breaking free
The part of me
That’s been too scared to see
A new possibility
Because I was stuck in futility
And didn’t have the ability
Or agility
To take personal responsibility.

But then I found humility
And I paid the fee
And went to therapy
Then got my master’s degree
In transpersonal psychology
All so I could see
That it’s not you
It’s me.

So yeah, mark my words
I’m willing to learn
And leave no stone unturned
And earn
And burn.

Through any and all my  issues
Including my rage
that keep my heart locked in a cage
I’m turning the page and
Becoming a sage.

I will not run
I am done
I have just begun
I am the one
To model this to my son.

It’s profound
I nearly drowned
Then I found
Out how to turn my life around
And now?
I’m putting my stake in the ground.

For what?
For love
Because I want to learn how to love
I want to learn how to let love in
Under my skin
My time is running thin.

I’m a lover
And a fighter
Not a hider
A writer.

Fighting the battle within
Against him
I’ll take it on the chin
Cause I’m playing to win
And winning means
I’m integrating all my parts and opening my heart
How’s that for a start?

Look, I never wanted to get married or have kids
Then I opened my eyelids
And here’s what I did

I peeled back the onion
And became a husband
No longer a talker
An author
A father
Of a son and a daughter
Like water.

They’re transforming my landscape
My new life is starting to take shape
I no longer need to domesticate
Take the bait
Or escape.

So let me give it to you straight
It’s time to update
And re-create
It’s time to initiate
And integrate
What’s already innate.

So let’s open the floodgates
Because my heart is about to take up some serious real estate
With my wife as my soulmate
And my classmate
We’re on a date
To Emancipate
And help the world collaborate!

That’s right
My wife and I?
Yeah, we’re on a date
To help the world learn how to relate.

Hey, I’m just a student…
of love
But I’m getting fluent…
in love.

Finally relevant
Is my growth and development.

You see
I am a seer
A feeler
A healer
A mask peeler
A love dealer
I’m a teacher
I’m a soft fuzzy creature
I’m a believer
An achiever
I am a speaker
A dreamer
A preacher
A relational leader.

I’m only sometimes a jerk.
‘Cause I’m doin’ the work.


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