In order for me to move on, I had to communicate to him my feelings he had avoided
 
In a relationship it is necessary to communicate effectively and respectfully while experiencing conflict. If two people are successful at this, relationships can grow stronger together. When one of the two avoids conflict completely, they are referred to as a conflict avoider. Having an argument with a conflict avoider typically results in a war between two people which is extremely off-balanced. Imagine one side is armed with a sword in each hand and the other side carries toothbrushes. The war is won before it even starts. This is no balance in a relationship with a conflict avoider.  Nothing can be resolved if one person cannot face the conflict with maturity and communication.  Every argument is shelved for a later date that never comes or is swept under a rug to forever collect dust.

In the beginning,  my now ex-husband was so engaging. He was warm hearted and fun to be around.  In retrospect, it was because he never dealt with negative feelings or conflict…ever. He never learned how to move through those feelings. He avoided them completely.
By the time our relationship ended, I had so many pent up emotions and unresolved issues that it seemed the idea of gnawing my own arm off might be a reasonable solution to the pain.

I remember our first big argument.  Well, it was my first big argument. Of course, he refused to participate.
I remember screaming at him, and in the midst of it all I asked him,  “Aren’t you going to tell me how you feel?”
To which he coldly replied,  “I feel nothing about this, and I feel nothing for you.”
There I was with my toothbrushes in hand. He stood with swords. The war was over before it began. As a result of this moment, the stage was set for every conflict we had moving forward. It would also be our demise and ultimately…our divorce.

A couple of months into our marriage,  I finally gained some insight into why he operated this way. He told me that he could not recall his parents ever expressing love towards him, or each other and no one ever argued in the home. Everyone always remained in neutral. A false state of complacency which could never be supported beyond the home. In reality, in the grown-up world, we have to know how to resolve conflict.

His need to avoid and my need to express created a constant tug of war between us. I felt my feelings were not acknowledged. As he was pressured to communicate, he began to distance himself from me. I could not stop him or bring him closer. I felt like I was cupping a handful of sand in my hands and no matter how hard I tried to keep it there, little by little it slipped through my fingertips.

He handled our divorce the same way he handled our marriage.  He secretly met with a lawyer and filed for divorce. He moved out while I was out running errands. Again, avoiding all conflict and emotions. The following day I was served papers. There was no discussion, no communication.
Once again, all of my feelings and opinions sat with me alone for no one to hear.

About a month after our divorce was final, I felt all my unexpressed emotions boil over. I was angry, sad, resentful, discarded and betrayed. But mostly, I felt that I had been silenced as if duct tape were covering my mouth. I had no say in my marriage and no say in my divorce. But that was about to change.

There are quite a few blogs online written by therapists who recommend writing a letter of closure. Most of them suggest writing the letter, but keeping it to yourself. I knew that writing it would not be enough, and I was determined to be heard. So, I wrote a long letter. I expressed all of my feelings and all of my frustrations. When it was all buttoned up and finished, I not only emailed it to him…I mailed it as well. And then just to be sure he saw it, I also sent a copy to his mother (sealed of course) and asked her to be sure he read it.
As predicted, he never responded, but I finally made my voice heard, and for me that was enough. The closure letter gave me both my power and my voice back, and most importantly it set me free.