5.9
November 2, 2019

What My Closed Door Means.

 

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My closed door takes many forms.

Unanswered text messages, short answers in conversation, and lack of enthusiasm in communication are all indications that right now:

1. I do not have a lot to give and need to give what I do have to myself, and

2. I am more interested in taking action for myself than giving explanations to others.

My closed door means that I am unavailable. Not just for arguments, toxicity, or bad behavior, but for conversation, time spent, or anything that requires energy that I need to give to my process right now.

My closed door does not mean unhealthy isolation, it means healthy preservation. It means this is a last-ditch survival mechanism to save what little parts of myself I have left before getting consumed by the outside world.

My closed door means that I am taking responsibility for my mental health. It means that I do not expect anyone to take care of me when I fall. It means that I understand I am not entitled to the world’s help.

My closed door means that I value myself. It means that right now, I cherish myself so much that I am going to love myself, hold myself, save and savor myself through the hard times. I have nothing to give to others because I am saving it for me.

My closed door means that I need space. Space from the outside world and space to be with myself; space from the undertone and hum of the world that to you perhaps feels like a quiver, but to me feels like an earthquake because right now, I am a fault-line.

Because of the currents inside of me, I cannot contend with any other vibrations that interrupt my attempts to regain stability. I know it is unrealistic to expect the world to bend to my wishes for stillness, so I step inside myself and recenter.

My closed door is not an invitation to wait outside of it. It means that when you stand outside I can feel you looming there, waiting for me to come out, and it feels like pressure—although perhaps involuntary. Before I jeopardize my disposition, before I compromise my character, I will close my door.

My closed door means that people’s good intentions do not serve me right now, and I need to disconnect from the expectations that their good intentions come with.

My closed door means I heard you, but I don’t need your help right now. It means I know you will hold space for me if I need you to at some point, but right now the space you are holding needs to be my own. 

My closed door does not mean I should be forced to ignore what is incessant, or that I should remove myself from my place of healing and my progress just to step outside and reassert my boundaries to you because you do not respect them.

My closed door is a subtlety.

My closed door is preventing people from inserting themselves into my struggle while even I cannot fit into it. 

My closed door knows that your actions are more about you and your savior complex than it is about me and what I have stated I need from you.

My closed door does not mean that I need you to knock on it, to bang on it, to keep yelling over and over that you are there for me.

My closed door knows you are there, and that is the problem. I need to not just be alone, but feel alone. To be with myself and know it is only myself that I am with so that I can trust the space I am in and fully explore how I am feeling, find a place for it, and leave it there. 

My closed door knows that you inadvertently undermine my strength when you anticipate that I do not have what it takes to heal myself. Just because I am struggling doesn’t mean I need you, or help, or anyone or anything at all. Maybe I just want to be with myself or my feelings right now.

My closed door does not mean that I need to talk, it means that I need answers—answers that only I alone can find within myself.

My closed door knows that your assistance stunts my personal growth, the validity of my truth, and the bond I am trying to reestablish with myself. 

My closed door means that I am enough. That I have the power to heal myself, take care of myself, to be with myself in silence and embrace it instead of hate it.

My closed door is a necessary process for me regain the desire to open my door, take a walk outside, feel the sunshine, and breathe fresh air again. 

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