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December 31, 2019

You Don’t Need a Dating Coach, you Need to Love Yourself.

Oh sweet woman,

I see you checking your phone every few minutes, waiting for him to respond to your text. He used to seem so into you. You felt sexy and desired and beautiful. And now he is not responsive. The texts have become less frequent, or not all at. You sense it, you feel unease and nervousness and anxiety. Yet you still wonder and dream. Will he ask you on a date, commit, or call you his girlfriend?

I see you checking out his social media, wondering if he’s talking to other girls. You ruminate over this relationship. Will you be chosen? Will you be loved? Are you smart enough? Pretty enough? Funny enough? Are you enough?

You read the advice of dating coaches who will lead you to love. They tout engagements and happy couples, with a guarantee that their methods will land you the committed relationship of your dreams (for three easy payments of $49.95). They advise you to be “more feminine,” be passive, docile, and mysterious. Wait four hours to reply to that text. Keep him guessing. To be aloof, keep a steady rotation of men around just in case this one doesn’t work out. Don’t accept a date for Friday before Tuesday. Don’t answer a text after 9 p.m., or you’ll appear too eager or excited to see him.

These are “The Rules.”

Be sure to project an image of confidence, but don’t be too confident. Be sweet, but not too sweet. Be sexy, but not too sexy. Don’t chase him, or be too available. Establish a strict timeline before you sleep with him. And, whatever you do, never text first.

It’s exhausting. Please stop. Sure, your games might work for a while. You’ll attract plenty of men. But at the end of the day, you, sweet woman, will still feel alone.

I see you. You have abandoned your own heart.

The thing is, you don’t need a dating coach. You don’t need to do any of this sh*t for love. You are love. Let me say this again. You are love.

Bask in your feminine energy, but not to attract some guy. Know how lovely, and feeling, and beautiful you are—not for him, but for yourself. Know you are perfect just as you are.

The dating coaches will tell you to behave as if you’re “high value.” But whoever said you weren’t? Those who are high value don’t need to “behave.”

You, sweet woman, don’t need some guy’s attention. You don’t need his texts or compliments to know you are worthy. Your desirability is not a measurement of who you are. You are enough.

Tell me, have you really stopped and asked yourself if this man is right for you? Does he fit into your life? Do you even know him, or has your traumatized inner-little girl created this knight in shining amour to save her from her pain? Perhaps in your longing, in your heartbreak, in your seeking, it’s not him you are looking for. Perhaps your heart is gently reminding you that it’s time to heal.

And even if you do love this man, do you feel valued? Treated as a priority? Does he respect you? How does your body feel when you are near him? How does your heart feel when you are apart?

In your clinging and grasping for love, are you willing to walk away? While waiting for a man to save you, you have forgotten yourself. You have forgotten your dreams, your goals, the things that make your heart sing.

Find her once again. Take the time to fall in love with that girl, those dreams, those goals, that singing heart.

Remind yourself, sweet woman, that your boundaries are non-negotiable. Your body is not a bargaining chip for commitment. So make love when your heart and your body say yes, and are in alignment with one another, when you feel truly safe and know you can trust him. That’s true intimacy.

You don’t need to keep a tally of messages and phone calls to know you are loved and wanted. If you love someone, say it. Say it with authenticity and vulnerability. Be willing to be rejected. It’s okay—cry if you need to. Put your hands on your tender heart and listen to what she has to say. Take the cash, time, and energy invested in dating coaches and unavailable men, and invest it in yourself.

Oh, sweet woman. You do not need a dating coach. You need yourself. Embrace her.

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Joanna Engman  |  Contribution: 2,085

author: Joanna Engman

Image: Mathieu Stern/Unsplash

Editor: Marisa Zocco