January 31, 2020

Personal Transformations can be Ugly as Hell.

A strange thing happens when you start doing things that are good for you.

You start becoming acutely aware of a misery epidemic that surrounds you. It’s quite startling how many people are unhappy and how they do the same things over and over, expecting things to be different.

Einstein had it right: it is insane.

I can’t deny that we live in the era of positivity, where it’s almost taboo to be unhappy. But I find myself struggling. I struggle to be sympathetic when someone refuses to take responsibility for their choices.

I struggle to be a good friend when I can plainly see how it is affecting their life in a self-destructive manner. I struggle not to be that self-righteous asshole who started making changes and now sits on a high horse looking down on everyone else.

I got life clean. I wasn’t addicted to anything other than my own desire to continue hurting myself. If we really think about it, isn’t that the very essence of addiction?

I cut out alcohol, casual sex, and mindless interactions that only took from me, leaving me empty…

I cut out hurting myself.

I replaced it with MasterClass (highly recommend for anyone thirsty for knowledge), with visualization, positive affirmations, meditation, and exercise. My next steps are to cut out series binge-watching, caffeine, and smoking.

Addictions, addictions everywhere.

I started valuing who I am, what I want, and finally realised that time is my most precious resource. Why would I want to waste it on situations and people that make me feel bad about who I am and where I am going? Or worse, are standing in the way of that?

The process of getting life clean is raw, and some days are ugly as all hell. Some days just feel wrong from start to finish.

I’ve cried solidly for 24 hours, my eyeballs feeling like sandpaper. I’ve screamed into pillows. I’ve gotten up only to get back into bed. I’ve plastered on a fake smile, when all I have wanted to do is curl up into a ball on the floor and say, “Okay, life. You win.”

Am I judging you for your poor life choices? F*ck yes.

Only because I’ve been there and I judge myself. If you aren’t going to put in the work to make real changes, I will still be here, judging you, as well as myself. It’s time to raise the standards.

Happiness is a mindset, it’s something we design, and, oh—you have to work at it.

If you, like the rest of us, come from some kind of trauma, you can bet you’re going to have to work hard at it. If your source of happiness is (as was mine) the dream job, the partner, and the things, it’s going to be even harder.

Those things give us only a sense of happiness; they are not the source of our happiness.

The kindest act of love anyone has ever shown me was calling me out on my own bullsh*t; it changed my life. The words, “I actually can’t watch you do this to yourself anymore,” will forever be a defining moment. The reason I took my power back.

Take responsibility for your life. Stop whining about it. Own your choices.

If you make good ones, great. If you make bad ones, even better—they will teach you the most.

Get really honest with yourself and those around you. Have your bad days; they are inevitable.

Cultivate gratitude—and stop wasting your time.

Read 8 Comments and Reply

Read 8 comments and reply

Top Contributors Latest

Amanda Van Graan  |  Contribution: 253,415

author: Amanda Van Graan

Image: @_minimalista / Instagram

Editor: Kelsey Michal