I crave the freedom of being me in all forms, shapes, and colors.
Knowing this truth, I also know that I will disappoint many along the way. Perhaps, I will even piss off a few or maybe even make a few others love me. Love me so passionately and fully, like I have always craved to love and be loved.
And I’m willing to pay that price, any price—just to have the freedom to be myself in my totality.
Starting my journey as a pole dancer a year ago, did not only mark my journey back to myself in her many forms and shapes, but also confronted me with so many taboos and judgments from others. Those who don’t know that pole dancing is also an internationally known sport for men and women of all ages and colors and races, and is also an artistic and sensual form of dance.
Starting this journey as a dancer helped me uncover parts of myself I did not know I had—the ones that were dormant within me.
I faced my shame, my feelings of shyness, and lots of deeply rooted issues around my body image. Getting close to pole required more skin, so I started to throw my clothes away, one month at a time, until I felt completely comfortable in a bikini.
Unbuttoning myself was a sacred process of shedding the old layers of my strict and fixed personality—parts of my conditioning and upbringing. The process itself caused much inner turmoil, bursts of tears, and contradictory desires of being seen and wanting to hide away from others.
Pole dancing opened a new connection within my heart and mind.
I began to experience lots of inner healing around feelings of guilt, shame around my sensuality and sexuality, and the insecurity around my physical appearance. I started to see how slowly my inner world was shifting as I saw other people react differently toward me.
Some embraced me with love and curiosity, and loved my journey, finding it interesting and inspiring. Some others, my old friends included, remained cold, silent, or disappeared completely from my life.
We cannot always fully grasp why everyone makes the choices they do and why they decide to follow a certain path. We don’t always understand someone else’s journey. We cannot tell how much something means to someone, so whether we accept it or not, it is irrelevant. We all need to learn to respect others, whoever they choose to be, and wherever they are in their own journeys.
Having ideas and concepts or certain beliefs about anything can often make us feel weak, because those beliefs will be challenged all the time by the world out there.
If there is any highest form of spirituality for me, that is accepting and building yourself in your own totality, in all the colors that make you you, in all the shapes that make you unique, and in all the forms that give you your own unique path and purpose in life.
Whether you choose to be a pole dancer, a stripper, a housewife, a musician, a builder, or anything you choose to be, that is enough reason for you to be respected—as you are living in your totality.
Because there is no greater freedom in life than constantly choosing to be on a path that belongs only to you. And you find your way as you walk, giving something to the world with your unique self.
The greatest gift you can give to yourself and others is to allow you to be you, and them be who they are in their own totality. How others perceive that totality is irrelevant.
What matters to me is that you and I find our way home to our deepest selves.