3.2
January 18, 2020

The Unexpected Grace in Falling Apart.

*Warning: salty language ahead.

~

What do you do when you end up in the dark?

When you can’t see the road ahead.

When you feel weak and vulnerable. When you feel like the ground is slipping beneath your tired feet and when it’s better to let it all go and dissolve into nothingness than go an an endless journey of trying to figure things out. Because it all feels so exhausting.

Do you, like me, try to find an invisible torch within your chest that can help you light the way and watch your steps, trying hard to avoid the fall into any abyss? Or do you just allow the falling?

What do you do when you end up on the open streets, with no money in your bank account? When you lose someone or when you lose yourself? What do you do then? How do you cope with the hopelessness that pulls your chest up and down without letting you grasp for air?

What do you do when the world out there feels cold and rainy? And you seem to not make any sense out of anything for a while?

Do you, like me, try to find shelter within the walls of your heart and breathe one more sip of air in order to feel present with your heartbeat and your physical body? Or do you feel numb? Perhaps you laugh hysterically?

Do you, like me, try to cling to the old ways of living and being because you don’t know any other way, or you know deep down but are not quite sure how to go about it?

When life toughens, we tend to go further away from our spirit.

We try to cope with difficult situations in the ways we always did before, because we may not know any better. We may feel too scared to try new ways, simply because it all becomes so fucking overwhelming.

We repeat the same circles, going back and forth because we don’t know. We just don’t. Sometimes it’s not possible to know, and we need to learn to rest into the not knowing. The very act of trying to know is violent toward our spirit.

If we are honest with ourselves, we will admit that sometimes, while in certain situations, we simply have no clue where to turn to or whom to call or what to do.

The life we thought we would create suddenly shows up as pitfalls or blocks in the form of people or things or situations.

Disappointment settles in. Hopelessness is unavoidable. Tears flow without any care. You just feel empty and spaced out at the same time. Your mind feels powerless to deal with a new reality, and your spirit too tired about going through the same kind of shit or shitty ways that you have outgrown, but you still hold and cling to them like a little child who holds on to their mother’s dress, trying to grab her tightly.

Tears begin to fall as a waterfall, as we sit somewhere in the middle of nowhere, asking the Universe or God the question Why? or What is all this about?

More often than not, life does not go according to our plans or ideas or structural thinking and wishes. It is happening all the time, certainly, but not always as a soft, gentle birdsong.

Sometimes, life can get harsh and hard.

The reality settles in, and we need to look at it right in the face, not turn around or try to not see it.

Sometimes things break. People leave us. Or we leave people. Relationships dissolve. Passions get lost in the thick of the forest of our new dreams or desires. Priorities shift. We wake up to reality. We mess up. We collapse altogether. We may end up on the streets. We go bankrupt. We lose everything. We may even lose our minds.

And there is nothing we can do about it.

Sometimes the best step we can take is allow things to collapse and break. Allow our dreams to dissolve. Or allow death, however it wants to happen.

I’m finding myself in a situation I did not think I would end up. It’s beyond my control. And as much as the little me is trying to hold on for dear life, things are happening the way they are supposed to. And I have only a vast green ocean in front of me, and waves that are floating separately from each other, the wind caressing my hair, and a black rock I’m sitting on at the moment. All these natural elements reminding me that nothing is permanent and that there is nowhere to go really, but falling into the vast space of your container, your body, and your spirit, and just being where you are and whomever you are, without trying to figure out anything. It’s a losing game anyways.

The thing is, sometimes no one and nothing can really be helpful, because our souls are moving in ways and directions that we cannot grasp or understand.

And we need to remind ourselves that sometimes our paths are separate from those of others, though we cross roads with each other.

But we are heading on individual journeys that seem to be happening as they are supposed to be, for our further expansion—even if they’re not what we hoped for.

In my personal journey, I feel like I’m falling…apart…or somewhere unknown…or just dissolving into nothingness.

It hurts.

It feels scary.

I feel numb.

Spaced out.

My mind cannot comprehend what is going on and is giving up.

If you, reading this right now, are going through a similar experience of not knowing or falling apart or seeing your entire life dissolve before your eyes, or are in pain for whatever reason, I don’t have words of consolation to tell you.

I have only these words to say to you:

Allow the falling to happen.

I will wait for you on the other side. Life will catch us up in new ways.

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