Jealousy: the world’s most painful and traumatizing emotion.

“I read somewhere that you don’t suffer from jealousy,” Anna said when sitting in my kitchen enjoying a cup of coffee. “Doesn’t it bother you if your girlfriend is having sex with another man?”

“Naturally, it can bother me,” I said, “But not for the usual reasons. It bothers me if they don’t practice safe sex or if they don’t treat each other with respect.”

“What?!” she said, gazing at me with her mouth wide open. “Are you joking? If your girlfriend has sex with another man, she could end up leaving you.”

Anna suffered from extreme jealousy and was seeking help. She was 28 years old, and her longest relationship lasted two weeks. For years, she had been in therapy but saw no improvement. Through our meeting, I learned the basics of energy sex. It would have been more appropriate if I had paid her for the lesson—instead of the other way around.

“Having sex with multiple partners is not a threat to a relationship,” I said. “What usually destroys a relationship is jealousy. You are a prime example. You have it all; beauty, intelligence, and youth. Most men would give their right arm to be with a woman like you, but you continue to scare them away with your possessive behaviour.”

“I know,” she said, considering it for a moment. “But I am not like you. I won’t allow my partner to have sex with others. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick!”

“I completely understand,” I said. “For me, it has been a lifelong process learning to handle jealousy. Jealousy is the most painful and traumatizing emotion. First of all, it is a complex emotion that involves three people. Secondly, it consists of a set of individually ambiguous and conflicting emotions such as hate, fear, love, envy, attraction, anger, hope, and sorrow. As a teenager, I used to be very jealous and would become angry and frustrated if my girlfriend was attracted to other guys.”

“That’s interesting,” she said. “So are you telling me that it’s possible to overcome jealousy?”

“Yes, but I am not certain it can be accomplished as a result of a conscious decision,” I replied. “When I let go of my jealousy, I was not really in control.”

“What happened?” she asked.

“Years back, I went through a difficult divorce, and at the same time, my closest friend died,” I explained. “This threw me into a severe depression that lasted almost two years. Instead of trying to avoid my pain, I began focusing on it. While in pain, I learned that emotions are like muscles. They need to be exercised to become flexible and strong. In my next relationship, I had become more flexible and was suddenly able to give my woman almost complete freedom. Today, I mostly feel joy if a woman I love experiences love and attraction to someone else. This emotion, which is not commonly known, is called compersion.”

“Compersion?” she asked. “What does that mean?”

“Compersion is the opposite emotion of jealousy,” I said. “The sensation of becoming happy when someone you love gets love from others.”

“I feel like that with my sister,” Anna said, “But my sister is demanding, and if she has a boyfriend, she gives me more space.”

“That does not sound like compersion,” I replied. “Compersion is not when you are happy to be rid of a person, but when you are happy that someone else is loved.”

“But if you are not jealous, it might also mean that you don’t love,” she said.

“There is no connection between love and jealousy,” I said. “Jealousy is a result of envy, possessiveness, and fear of being alone—not a result of love.”

“Okay,” Anna said. “I understand what you are saying, but what can I do to handle my problems with jealousy?”

Handling jealousy: a highly unconventional approach

“If you are afraid of horses, you cannot heal your fear through conversation,” I explained. “You need to have a good and safe experience with a horse. In your case, being intimate with a man triggers fear. What you need is a good and safe experience of intimacy with a man.”

“That sounds logical,” she said, “But who can give me that experience?”

“I believe I can,” I said.

“You!?” she exclaimed gazing at me wide-eyed. “You mean that I should be in a relationship with you?”

“Not a normal relationship,” I said, “but what we can call a surrogate relationship. I believe that jealousy is triggered by attachment, and I can show you how to be intimate without creating attachment. If you choose to go along with this, we will develop a controlled relationship that has an emotional safety net.”

“How do you know this will help me?” she asked. “Have you done this with other women?”

“No,” I said. “I never did it before, but considering the analogy with the horse, it’s the logical thing to do. If it doesn’t work, I will not charge you.”

“Hmm…” she said, thinking about it for a while. “Can you be a little more specific? What do you mean by having a relationship with a safety net?”

“In the relationship, we will not socialize,” I said, “And will still only meet when you book a session.”

“But are we going to be intimate?”

“Yes,” I said, “But we will not have conventional physical sex—only energy sex.”

“Energy sex?”

“Energy sex is sex without movement,” I explained. “We will both be naked and will lay in my bed. I will be on my back, and you will be on top of me, but we are not going to touch each other in a sexual way and will not kiss.”

She looked at me as if I had just told her to jump off a cliff. “Why on earth should that help? And why should I pay you to do this with me? Within an hour, I could find 200 guys in any nightclub who would be happy to lay naked with me for free.”

“If you did it with one of them, they would try to seduce you,” I said, “And if they succeeded, you would end up in the usual situation with jealousy and strong reactions. If I facilitate the process, I will make certain that we don’t create more attachment than you can handle. Since you are paying me, you cannot treat me like a normal boyfriend. In reality, your payment creates a structure that helps us to make this exercise possible.”

“This all sounds completely outrageous,” she said. “Why should energy sex heal me?”

“Masculine and feminine energy are like two poles on a battery,” I explained. “When a man and a woman connect the two poles, they usually start having conventional, desirous sex. Desire makes attachment go haywire, and soon it spreads between the lovers in the same way as glue. Afterward, it can be difficult to let each other go. You and I will not have normal sex, but we will just exchange between the two poles and then redraw again. When we exchange, we will connect on an intimate level. After you have experienced being safe while being this close to a man, I believe that your jealousy reactions will subside.”

The setup for energy sex: sex without movement

When Anna left me that day, I didn’t think I would hear from her again. I even considered that she might call the police and tell them I was crazy, but two days later, she booked a new session with me. A week later, we were both sitting at the edge of my bed getting undressed. Looking both determined and insecure Anna was taking off her bra.

“I have no idea why I am doing this,” she said, and laughed nervously, “But I suppose I trust you a lot.”

“I’m sure you do,” I said, laying on my back while she was taking off her panties. When she was on top of me, I pulled the duvet over us before putting my arms around her.

“I just wish you had done this with other women and knew that it worked,” she said.

When lying in bed, I was probably as alert as she was. Anna was right. I had no way of knowing if this would work, but I had often experienced intense energy while being inactive with a woman that I found attractive. Still, I was not entirely sure what would happen when allowing attraction between a man and a woman while not giving space for conventional sex.”

“Try not to speak unless it’s important,” I said, “And try not to think. If a thought comes into your mind and it doesn’t seem important, then try to let it go.”

While taking a deep breath, she nodded silently. The warmth that grew between us felt great, and I had to concentrate not to follow the usual male program of trying to maximize the desire between us. While laying still, I could smell her hair and perfume.

“Do you feel good and safe?” I asked.

“Yes,” she whispered.

In the beginning, I only felt the warmth of her body, but soon we could both feel it. None of us said anything, but her breath and occasional small and more intense movements told me that she felt the same. As I expected, there was an energy growing between us—not an erotic energy, but still an energy that made both of us open up. When this happened, her small movements became stronger and more vibrant. When I got an erection, I had to move Anna a little to make space. Clearly, we were both getting hungry to transform the magnetism into sex.

“Try to relax and lie still,” I reminded her. “Don’t think about me as one person, but as a representative of males in general.”

While I was talking, the energy between us continued to grow, and even though she was hardly moving now, every little movement stirred an extreme reaction in me. When suggesting to meet like this, I had not anticipated this kind of magnetism. After approximately 10 minutes, it was still intensifying, and by now, I could sense it as a vibration going through my body. While lying there, I became conscious of the immense difference between a loving and a desirous touch. When touching Anna, I made sure only to touch her in a loving way. Still, it took a lot of willpower to keep my hands relaxed. At some point, the attraction seemed to send me into a trance, and even though my erection was still pressing against her skin, resisting temptation became easier.

“I am dripping wet,” she whispered, “But it feels as if it is withdrawing now.”

I nodded, but was still swallowed up by the energy and had lost track of time.

When the energy redrew, it felt sudden. Almost as if someone had switched off the power. Being naked with Anna no longer seemed out of place. Casually talking, we went into the bathroom and took a shower.

What Anna and I learned from having energy sex

After the shower, we sat down in the living room and had some tea.

“It was an insane experience being part of your intimate laboratory,” she said. “I thought we were in your bed for 10 minutes, but I just looked at the time, and we were laying in that position for 40 minutes! I don’t know if this will help with my jealousy, but right now, I don’t care. I feel like I have just had five orgasms in a row. Is it possible to do this with anybody?”

“No,” I said. “You need genuine attraction.”

“So you can also do this with your girlfriend?”

“No,” I said. “She and I have a more earthly relationship. When two people have been together for some time, the purity between them is usually compromised. When this happens, their ability to polarize is diminished.”

“You never did this before,” she said. “So what did you learn?”

“I learned how it feels to be in pure and unspoiled polarization between the masculine and the feminine,” I said. “You and I have real attraction, but as we are not going to create an earthly relationship based on attachment, we can explore the energy and develop it further.”

“But I am not certain if I understand,” she said. “Why can’t you do this with your partner?”

“When two people engage in an earthly relationship, they begin creating the illusion that they own each other,” I said. “When you think you own another person, you are no longer curious to explore and learn about each other. When this happens, attachment kicks in, and you lose the purity that makes strong and unspoiled polarization possible. Have you ever noticed that attraction is usually strong in a new relationship?”

“Yes,” she said.

“This is natural,” I said. “Attraction is much stronger when attachment and ownership have not yet set in.”

“It’s actually interesting that people worry so much about sex as a technique,” she said. “While being together, you and I did absolutely nothing and was probably the most intense experience I ever had with a man in bed.”

“How do you feel now?” I asked.

“I feel happy and uplifted, but also a little shaky and vulnerable,” she said. “And you were right. This is the first time I have been intimate with a man without being fearful afterward. Because of the professional setup we have, I know I can always book a session with you again. Right now, I need to go home and sleep.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” I said. “In a few days, you will know if you want to meet again. If you visit me for a second session, we will follow the same procedure.”

Anna’s first boyfriend and her continued process

It took less than a week before Anna came back for a second session, and two weeks later, she had her third session. After that, I didn’t hear from her for over three months until she suddenly sent me a letter. This is what she wrote:

Dear Carsten,

It took some time, but after our third session, I felt so calm that I decided to end our sessions. Two weeks later, I met Frank at a bar in town. We both felt an instant connection, and we have been together for more than two months now. I’m still jealous if he meets other women, but I can control my reactions, and we can talk about my fears of losing him. Perhaps it also gives me some peace knowing that you and I can have energy sex whenever I need it. If you did this with other women, I would not be jealous but would feel compersion—not only for you but also for this woman.

The first time Frank and I were intimate, I made him have energy sex in the same way as you and I did. At first, he thought I was crazy, and he had a hard time relaxing. Still, he went along with it. The energy was different than with you, but it was a great experience. I feel confident that doing this created a special trustful foundation in our relationship. What made the change, I don’t know. Perhaps you healed me, perhaps Frank healed me, or something else occurred. Still, I am confident that it added something to my life having such a loving encounter with a man that never triggered jealousy.

All the best,

Anna