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April 25, 2020

A Letter to my Lover who Lost the Battle with Addiction.

I still remember the shivers that went up to my spine, and the butterflies in my stomach, the first time you put your hand on my thigh. 

I remember the way I couldn’t catch my breath when your eyes would lock with mine. It was like you were looking directly into my soul. It was the feeling of being completely raw, open, and vulnerable, yet completely accepted and loved so thoroughly

There was something magical about you. You radiated such charisma. You had this child-like wonder about you that always drew me in to be equally fascinated by whatever it was you were exploring. 

The way you crawled inside music and art that aligned so perfectly with my soul made words irrelevant and useless—we did not need them. Yet, you used them. Your words were full of fire, passion, and conviction. You spoke to me so eloquently. You empowered me and wrapped me entirely in your unwavering love. 

When your body tangled up with mine, it was like our souls melted into one, like we could read each other’s minds. There are no words to express how deep our connection truly went. All my anxiety and fears would melt away. I felt complete peace. 

When I was close to you, the world could be crashing down around me, and nothing mattered. There was only your skin, heartbeat, and lips—our pure, tender love. 

I felt so whole, and so full of love and belonging, around you. I felt as though our love was the healthiest thing I had ever experienced, and we could overcome any obstacle.

Any obstacle, but one: your addiction.

I had no idea about the demons I would spend the next 16 years battling with you, or around you.

I had no idea that the love that gave me pure ecstasy and fulfillment would leave with a gaping void seared deep into my soul for the rest of my life.

I had no idea that one day my worst fears would come true—that I would wake up and live a literal nightmare.

I watched the eyes that were once so full of love and light dim. I watched the skin that used to radiate and glow turn grey. I felt your soul slowly slip away into a place so dark even our love couldn’t even reach it. 

I watched the creases in your arms, that I used to trace with my lips, become covered in little bruised holes. I watched your words grow as hollow and lifeless as your body.

I begged and pleaded. I screamed and I cried. I tried and tried.

If I could have taken your demons from you, I would have taken every last one. Watching you suffer so profoundly when I loved you so entirely was horrific.

I watched you slowly deteriorate until there was nothing left but ashes. I had no idea what real helplessness was until I watched addiction kill you.

I tried. I lost. I’m sorry.

I love you.

I promise to carry who you truly were with me, always. Every addict is so much more than a junkie.

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Kelsey Briann  |  Contribution: 3,990

author: Kelsey Briann

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Editor: Kate Force