July 8, 2020

I Didn’t Come this Far to Abandon all the things you Loved me For.

Every f*cked up thing I’ve done, I own.

This is because I’m self-aware. People who don’t take fault are lying to themselves and will lie to you too.

I didn’t get this far to just throw my hands up and say that this is what life had planned for me and you. If you wanna know the truth, I made a decision. That evening, sitting in the snarling traffic, I knew.

I’m a nervous person. I’m in love with music and the stars. I love the way you say my name. And now, that is the way the world calls me, if they are fond of me. I didn’t get this far for you to not know this about me.

Day in and day out for weeks we had the chance to change our mind. We could have decided if we were both too afraid to try this. But I didn’t get this far to lose it all now.

So here it goes:

I’m afraid of nothing, you already know that. I hate the color of bright bed sheets. My closet never stays clean. I like watching old Disney movies with our little boys because seeing how goofy they are makes me happy. I know I’m too serious, but I also know you’re changing that—slowly, but I can feel it.

I love anything with potatoes and cheese in it, just because of the weird cheese. I love the sound of the guitar. Making you smile is my favorite way to spend my time. I’m afraid of not having time for myself and not having a book to read. I love ice cream cones dipped in caramel. I prefer beer to wine, but I don’t tell anyone because I don’t like to look brash.

I complain about you taking away peace from the children and me—in fact, everyone inside the house—when it comes to your work and oh yes, not calling me when you get there. But half the time, I really just stayed up admiring your independence or telling you how I feel. I didn’t make it this far to hide the brattiness you knew me for.

I don’t trust dogs not to follow me wherever I go. They always love me, you see. I adore spy movies. I hate rap music, but listening to my son’s BTS version makes me smile. I smile my widest when I walk into a room for the first time. I withdraw and stay quiet when I don’t want wish to be in that room anymore.

I keep in touch with friends in a way they don’t comprehend at times, because when they get a call from me, they know they’ve always been on my mind. I love slow music. I can listen to Peter Gabriel all day. I get chatty when I’m happy. If I like you, I will open up like a lovely book. Instead of facing my anguish with any other emotion, I tend to lean toward thoughtfulness and aloofness.

I love you. You let me be. I love your brown eyes and that uneasy laugh. Damn, I love your laugh. I love that you have your own and still let me have all that is mine. I love that you are strong and carefree, but say that the only thing that matters is me.

I didn’t make it from nowhere into your life for no reason. So here I am.


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