Yes, you read that correctly. 

I don’t think that our physical desires and emotional needs need to be separated in a relationship.

I’ve read many fantastic articles on the kind of love you deserve, but they are always kept in a different category from the ones that discuss the dirty, kinky bedroom talk. 

It’s almost like we compartmentalize our romantic brain from our lustful body. We think that it’s one or the other.

Well, I’m here to say f*ck that.

I love it when my husband and I explore the strange, even laughable, parts of our sexuality.

And listen, we might pull out the whip and handcuffs, but after I still want him to stroke my hair and kiss my nose. There doesn’t have to be a black and white system where we only “make love” if we are in love, and we f*ck because we don’t care.

It’s a shockingly beautiful thing to be able to fully surrender to someone (or have someone trust you enough to surrender to you)—to have someone touch you in places you’ve never been touched before. 

If you really think about it, in order to engage in our exotic fantasies of sex, don’t we need to feel comfortable?

BDSM has long been a somewhat daunting and fascinating topic of conversation, but it requires rules and understanding of your partner on a deep level. And you don’t even have to necessarily go to that end of the spectrum. You can flirt the line, or draw the damn thing wherever you want! It’s all about trust and respect.

You better f*cking believe that I am not getting suited up in some shiny, tight, strappy ass outfit, and tying up my limbs if I don’t know in my core that I am respected.

Trying unconventional sex can be intimidating, but with a person you love, it’s exhilarating.

There is an incredible exchange of energy and power during sex. I want to give it away and receive it—all over the house. But it can come with a level of pressure and a desire to perform that might feel like too much. Trust me, if you’re getting freaky with someone you share a strong bond with, you feel so much freer! You can even laugh if you try something that doesn’t work.

And that’s what I like. For example, toys are fun but can also be a lot to manage, so I love knowing that I can slip in a bit of humor if I’m testing the waters with the unknown. 

In fact, having a solid relationship backing up the bedroom-play has made me crave it even more. He can pull my hair, and we can act out different personas, but I always know he’s the man who knows my favorite flavor of popcorn. He’s the man who sweetly asks to help me wash my hair in the shower and leaves me love notes around the house when I’m sad. 

So while we may test boundaries and learn more about ourselves and each other in the bedroom, I also know how he likes his eggs in the morning and that he hates tomatoes in his guacamole. That sweet balance amidst the rough, naked chaos actually makes it more fun.

I have had many conversations with friends who are curious but don’t feel confident enough to articulate these sexual curiosities to their partner, and this is where another major point comes in:

Communication is key!

You have to be able to say, “Nope, I don’t like the idea of a gag,” to get to the part where you can say, “But I would be open to a blindfold.” (Or whatever it is for you.) You might even be surprised by what you like—things you hadn’t ever thought to unearth an interest in.

For me, the ideal combination is a hot, pulsing rendezvous and tickling the dangerous side, but it is always coupled with honeyed words and good conversations over coffee.

Tell me I’m a naughty girl, but in the morning I want to hear how good I am—how our love grows each day and how lucky we feel to wake up to each other’s bedhead and tattered jammies.  

Your love life doesn’t have to be either Jane Eyre or PornHub; it can be a sultry, romantic collage with every layer of your love, passion, and desires coupled with theirs.