>> Author’s note: For space and convenience reasons, I will be writing this article from the heterosexual, male perspective, but much of what I say applies to other genders and sexual orientations. 

 

I wish I could say that my intentions were nobler from the beginning.

I wish I could say that I quit porn because I thought it would end gender violence, save women from sex-trafficking, or lead to world peace.

The truth is, what finally got me to quit watching porn was that I just wanted to be happier.

I wanted more satisfaction in my life and relationships. Critics of the modern “self-help” movement might argue that this focus on the “self” is not helpful, but I think it’s fine—perhaps even a necessary place to start.

In this article, I’m going to describe the real reasons why I quit porn. My hope is that this reflection might be a motivation for any of you struggling to break free.

Here are the top four reasons why I (really) quit porn:

1. Porn gives us unrealistic expectations of women’s bodies.

One thing that happens when we’re addicted to porn is we develop unrealistic expectations of what the female body should look like. If we spend a decade looking at 19-year-old pornstars with fit bodies, breast implants, and perfect skin, we just assume that’s what women should look like. The more porn we watch, the more we train our brain to expect that in our partners.

A little bit of belly fat? Some armpit hair? Breasts that are not perfectly symmetrical and perky? No way. I had a set idea of what “sexy” meant, and if you didn’t look like the pornstars I was watching, you weren’t good enough (yes, yes, I’m an awful person, I know).

Rather than being focused on the “whole” human being in front of me, I was focused on a few inches of skin. Fortunately, I began to see that porn was feeding into theses unrealistic expectations. I knew that if I ever wanted to be truly happy with my partners and wanted to see beyond just looks, I needed to stop watching porn.

2. Porn can make us feel addicted to novelty.

Another side effect of watching high-speed internet porn is that our brain gets addicted to novelty. In a typical three-hour porn binge (an average amount for someone addicted), we could view anywhere from 100 to 1,000 women.

We essentially browse tube sites for hours looking for the perfect video to “finish on,” and our supply of fresh content is virtually unlimited. On a neurological level, here’s what’s happening: every new face (or body) that we see produces a dopamine dump, and our brain is getting addicted to that surge of “feel good” neurotransmitters. We quickly learn that if we want the same good feeling, we need a new face.

I’ve had the good fortune to have dated some incredible women in my life. They were smart, funny, attractive, and all-around kindhearted people. What kills me to this day is that the fact that I left relationships simply because I was bored with the sex.

After a few weeks, I just wanted to be with someone new. I needed the novelty to produce the dopamine dump that my brain was craving. I didn’t realize the connection between this behavior and porn until my early 20s—I always assumed I was picky. I see now that porn was cultivating a dependence on novelty for arousal.

3. Porn addiction makes it hard to focus on anything else but sex.

You’ve probably heard the saying: “Guys think about sex every three seconds.” When I was in the midst of my porn addiction, this wasn’t too far from the truth. Wherever I went—whether it was in a grocery store or the school library—I was checking girls out, staring at their bodies, and thinking about sex.

It’s true that we are sexual creatures—and there’s nothing wrong with being turned on by another person—but porn took my lust and craving to out-of-control levels.

There is a saying in neuroscience: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” Essentially, the more we use certain neural pathways, the stronger those pathways become. When we watch two or three hours of hard-core porn every night, the pathways in our mind for wanting sex become deeply ingrained.

I remember times when I would close my eyes and all I would see were pornographic scenes that I had been watching the night before. What I wanted was a life where I could interact with an attractive woman and not be immediately pulled to thoughts of sex. I wanted to be able to spend my time working on creative endeavors or focusing on my studies, but my brain was hijacked, and I wanted to be free from that.

4. Lust itself is a state of suffering.

I still remember the day I realized this. It was the pivotal moment in breaking free from porn and a turning point in my life. I was walking down the street in Davis, California, when I saw two young women walking in front of me. I remember looking at the butt of the girl in front of me and being consumed by lust.

It was a feeling of deep, dark emptiness in the center of my abdomen—like a black hole opening up in my belly. The only thought in my head was, “You want that. You will be unhappy until you get that.”

It was so painful. In that moment, I realized that craving itself is a form of suffering. I recognized in that moment that I would never be happy because no amount of sex, porn, or masturbation would ever truly satisfy my cravings. In fact, the more I watched porn and thought about sex, the larger and more insatiable my cravings became.

It became clear that I was the source of my own unhappiness. That through my porn-watching behavior, I was creating the conditions of my suffering.

As it turns out, this is the foundation of Buddhist philosophy. The Buddha taught that craving is the source of suffering and that if we desire happiness (or genuine inner fulfillment), there are practices and a path leading there.

He also taught the concept of karma—that our actions have consequences. I saw that porn was my karma. Watching two or three hours of porn every night had deep consequences in my life.

These were some of the reasons I started to take a critical view of porn. When I coupled these realizations with the understanding that what I truly desired was happiness and to feel genuinely at peace, it became clear to me that I had to change my behavior.

Selfish is a fine starting point, but not the end.

My initial reasons for leaving porn were focused on my own happiness, and while that’s a fine starting place, staying there doesn’t lead to the end of suffering. A path that doesn’t include a concern for others, that doesn’t involve some aspect of ethical conduct or being of service, is not going to lead us far.

As the Dalai Lama likes to point out, we are all interconnected. We cannot be free from suffering when there are others suffering around us. Inner peace and fulfillment don’t exist in a vacuum, but are found within the interweaving fibers of the community we live in. If it’s inner peace we want, ask how we can be of service to others.

The real tragedy is that this is happening to countless men (and young boys) around the world, and we’re not addressing it. We’d rather sweep the discussion of porn and its effects under the rug.

I’m not against sexuality or even porn. I’m against addiction and the underlying—often hidden—psychological forces that lead to addiction.

My hope is that these reflections will help in bringing more awareness to the potential effects of porn addiction on the mind and on our society.

So now I’d like to hear from you. Drop a comment below, and let me know what you think of this topic.

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