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August 31, 2020

5 “Enlightened” Ways to tell someone to Go F*ck Themselves.

Warning: naughty language ahead (obviously).


Is anyone else working toward better versions of themselves?

Yeah, I’m on the path too. But in the meantime, we also have to acknowledge that we are still samsaric beings, edging ever-so-slowly toward enlightenment.

So in the meantime, as we hone our daily spiritual practice, we can only do our best. Until we reach our Buddhahood, we still have to exist within our daily human life. That might include jobs that test our diminishing patience, kids, or spouses that challenge our good grace.

We drive in traffic or board public transit. We wait in lines. We deal with not-so-nice customer service people on the phone after being on hold for eternities.

So we still need to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves the same patience that we offer up to others.

Some days we are a proper little Buddha, aren’t we? Offering kindness in return for someone taking our Perrier that we’ve been saving in the office fridge (they obviously needed it more), or a smile and a nod at someone flipping us the bird on the motorway.

Yes, some days, we can cultivate the patience of a thousand monks.

And then there are the other days….

Days when our first choice of words may not be appropriate for the workplace or a family gathering. Days when we might be able to acknowledge that this person deserves compassion, but we just can’t quite muster what we need to dole that out right now.

We can practice the pause, and perhaps opt for my dialed-down, more enlightened versions of “Go fuck yourself”:

1. Wow, it sounds like you’re having a bad day. I hope it gets better.
This really means, “Do you think you could have been any more of an asshole just now?”

2. I’ve never thought of it that way.
This really means, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

3. Maybe we should put a pin in this for now and come back to it.
Meaning, “If I have to listen to your sniveling for a millisecond longer, I won’t be held responsible for what happens.”

4. I hope you find peace.
“Let me know when you get your head out of your ass.”

5. We all have our own journey.
This one means, “Dude, you are next-level fucked up, and I am exiting stage left.”

Feel free to modify, perhaps blend one or two of these little gems together, should the opportunity and need arise. You can practice saying them aloud, maybe in a mirror, to ensure that they roll off your tongue with the same liquidity as the common man’s phrases.

And remember that we are all on our individual journeys.

If we can choose to be anything, be kind.

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