Today I thought about writing something for myself.
I wasn’t feeling particularly cheerful. I have been an immovable object for most of the day, mostly finding lazy comfort in my bedroom.
I spent a considerable part of the day gazing at the rain water lashing on my window and mostly perturbed by the mess it made on the balcony floor. I often considered the thought of cleaning it up and going back to what I was doing before that; being immovable and lazy.
I was in no mood to attend to chores or improve upon the existing confusion in the house, children’s said and unsaid demands, husband’s tryst with work from home duties and the general deterioration of the house order.
I was aware of what I was doing. I was dwelling in the past, rehashing it, tempted to re run many events gone by, thinking all the time that this may be productive. I was nursing feelings that went unexpressed, I was in pain while at the same time telling myself not to go down that route.
Emotionally, if you’ve received a wound, under later conditions of stress or strain, it could reopen along the scar area.
I understood that beyond the physical pain, I could develop a fear of confrontation, causing problems in relationships. In my multiple relationships, there have been vicious cycles of painful ruptures.
All that dwelling was causing me great suffering.
I was dressed in an off white dress with pastel colored lemons sprouting out at the hem of my material. The light green shade went well with the bedsheet which was an organic mix of earthy hues. I looked up to see the rain splashing still.
The window sills were covered in mist and suddenly I felt anxious.
It was like all my future relationships too were under the threat of being washed away.
We are all wounded, in a myriad ways. Wounds that we cannot go back and change.
When we subject ourselves to frequent criticism, judgements and opinions of wellwishers or the not so happy ones, we constantly allow them to erode the possibility of any kind of healing.
A long time ago an older friend said to me something profound; when we allow our past damage to effect our current life, our abusers are still hurting us. They don’t even have to try. When our damage and disappointment from the past affects our present we are losing even more. Being damaged even more. And why should we let our abusers do that? Take more?
If you keep bringing your disappointment and expectation of hurt from your past trauma into present day relationships / birthdays / plans, what you will do is ruin more of them.
No they’ll never meet all of your expectations, and no, they’ll never make up for the ones you’ve been robbed of, but you won’t lose any more of them and that matters.
The rain continues to pour into my apartment and washes everything clean. I just sit on my bed, wearing my cute outfit, and admire nature at work.
Photo by Elle Storset from Unsplash