September 30, 2020

Ending an Unhealthy, Toxic Relationship (the Healthy Way).


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We should never tell someone to stop attracting toxic or unhealthy partners.

It’s an insensitive way of handling their pain and love for someone who may not be right for them.

Trying to convince ourselves that we should stop attracting toxic partners or lovers is also a subtle form of aggression toward ourselves.

Blaming ourselves and beating ourselves up for attracting—or rather accepting—unhealthy connections is also counterproductive.

What about going back, over and again, to a relationship we thought was over?

By labelling someone toxic or unhealthy—what does that say about us?

Perhaps, what is unhealthy or not-yet-healed within us is what causes us to accept or choose “toxic” relationships.

What if we didn’t externalize our dysfunctional relationships and instead focused within?

What if we noticed our patterns of thought and behavior? What if we realized the past conditioning that still operates within us is reflected in our choice of partnership?

What if the “unhealthy” man or woman we choose is a part of ourselves that is crying out to be heard, seen, and loved?

What if we reached a middle ground and sent love to the person not right for us, while silently saying goodbye, and choosing to not have or accept them in our life or future?

What if we can keep our hearts open through the pain, disappointment, and lost hope?

What if we can keep our hearts open through the loss of a love we prayed for, tried hard to water, but still couldn’t witness blossom because the other party was unable to nourish it, too?

Telling someone or ourselves to stop attracting toxic partners is violent—a violence toward our hearts. It represses the love we feel within, for the other person, ourselves, or both.

Keeping an open heart when we still miss someone, and sending them our love, is best way to allow true healing.

True healing won’t happen with blaming, fighting, finger-pointing, or finding fault in why we loved them—especially with labeling them as “toxic.”

True healing won’t happen by obsessing over all the reasons why we weren’t right for each other. 

This understanding was never an option for me in the past—it has manifested as of late.

During a break up, I had to tell someone that he wasn’t a man I could rely on because he was broken. I told him I decided to move on, and I forgave him—I actually meant it.

I forgave him because I could sense his pain and his inability to love himself.

I understand his struggle to make sense of his issues.

No matter what kind of masks he wears—I see him.

I see the abandoned child within him.

I see a boy trying to find his way.

I used to be like that, too.

I see him—for him—but I cannot take his pain away.

I cannot fix him.

He has to want that for himself. It’s his responsibility to take the reins of his life and become the man he was meant to be.

I will keep sending love his way, even though I decided not to take him into my future.

I am allowing myself to feel all the mixed feelings.

I’m choosing to keep my heart open to love because I’m realizing love comes from within.

We can’t allow anyone to overstep our boundaries or disrespect us—by all means, no. But if we were part of an impossible love that ended because of mutual wounds, we must open our hearts anyway. 

When we allow our hearts to open and send compassion to those we love, we heal ourselves on a deeper level.

That is true love.

Holding onto rage, anger, or grudges will never heal our hearts.

I am grateful for this lesson, even if it has brought a river of tears.

I welcome it all.


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