*Warning: naughty language below!
The internet is full of rabbit holes.
No matter how much I tiptoe and sidestep, I always, inevitably, fall headfirst into digital worlds unknown. This time, it started because I was shuffling a deck of cards.
My partner was watching me and she said, “Oh, do that again.”
“What?” I asked, waterfalling the cards through my fingers, “This?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, yeah—wow, that turns me on.”
“You mean…this?” I shuffled them once more, slower. She bit her bottom lip.
“Would you just deal the fucking cards!” our friend said from the other side of the table.
Later that night, we got to talking about the different things that turn us on.
“You know, some people get turned on by animals,” she said.
“Are you sure people don’t just have sex with animals when they’re desperate?”
“No, no. People actually get turned on by animals. What’s the word?”
“No,” she pulled out her phone. “That is just the act.” She Googled a bit before saying, “Aha! Zoophilia!”
“Yeah, gross. But oh—look.” She turned her phone and showed me a list: Philia from A-Z.
And down the rabbit hole we went. By the second one on the list (Acarophile: Aroused by itching or of the insects that cause itching), we were hooked, but it wasn’t till a little further before some of them got even odder.
Beyond, feces, and run-of-the-mill sadomasochism, you have these:
Arachibutyrophile: Aroused by peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
While “A” had some good ones like: Anemophile (Aroused by air drafts or wind), and Athazagoraphile (Aroused by being forgotten or ignored or forgetting), I still couldn’t find one that put a funnier picture in my head than a couple of folks with peanut butter in their mouths, moaning through periodic shlick sounds, as they spoon-feed each other peanut butter.
Bogyphile: Aroused by bogeys or the bogeyman.
When I was a kid, I lived beside a lake. At night, in winter, the air pockets would make snapping sounds, and my mother would say, “That’s the bogeyman out there coming to get the children,” and I just can’t help wondering, if also, there was a boy next door, staring out at the ice, wanking away the night.
Cancerophile or Carcinophile: Aroused by cancer.
I really wish I was the type of person who wouldn’t laugh if someone said, “I have an embarrassing fetish.” And I said, “What?” And they said, “Cancer.”
But I know myself better than that.
Domatophile: Aroused by houses or being in a house. (Eicophile, Oikophile)
I’m not sure if I find this one funny because there are so many different words for being turned on my houses/homes, or because I can’t help picturing someone following a real estate agent around a new house and when they say, “Don’t you think this is a perfect home?”
And the person says, “No.”
“I just know, okay?”
Enosiophile or Enissophile: Aroused by having committed an unpardonable sin or of criticism.
This would be a handy fetish for priests.
“Father, will I ever be forgiven?”
“Uhh…no, my child, it looks like you won’t be.”
Febriphile or Fibriphile or Fibriophile: Aroused by fever.
There weren’t many for “F,” but this one got me curious as to whether it is any fever or specifically your own fever because, honestly, I might have this one. Something about feverish masturbating, sort of, just, kinda, happens sometimes, you know?
For “G” again I couldn’t decide between two.
1. Gephyrophile or Gephydrophile or Gephysrophile: Aroused by crossing bridges.
I mean, c’mon. Haven’t you ever been in traffic on a long bridge, finally make it to the other side and think, “Ohhhh, yeah.”
2. Gerontophile: Aroused by old people or of growing old.
I can’t help but find this one funny specifically because of the growing old bit. While the world is lamenting over their sagging skin, are there people out there, squinting at themselves in the mirror to accentuate their crow’s feet, masturbating as they say, “Yeah, yeah, you old crone, prune up you sexy bitch.”
Okay, “H” had the best ones that I don’t feel need any explanation to see the humor in:
1. Hadephile: Aroused by hell.
2.Heresyphile or Hereiophile: Aroused by challenges to official doctrine or of radical deviation.
3. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophile: Aroused by long words.
4. Hydrophile: Aroused by water or of rabies.
5. Hypengyophile or Hypegiaphile: Aroused by responsibility.
“I” just had some weird ones like: Isopterophile: Aroused by termites, insects that eat wood.
And: “Iconophilia,” which is arousal from photographs and images.
Now, I imagine a couple, each with one of these disorders:
“Hey baby, I got you a picture.”
“Is it of termites again?”
“I love you.”
“Me too baby, me too.”
I only found two for “J” and neither were terribly funny:
1. Japanophile: Aroused by Japanese.
2. Judeophile: Aroused by Jews.
There were many like this, being aroused by folks from different countries. Except I didn’t see anything about “aroused by Americans.” Hm, weird.
My favorite from “K”: Koniophile: Aroused by dust. (Amathophile) Simply because I am picturing a wife saying, “I always see you watching the maid while she works you fucking pervert.” And the husband says, “No, honey, it really isn’t what you think.
Bonus: Kynophile: Aroused by rabies.
Liticaphile: Aroused by lawsuits.
What? Don’t agree? Sue me.
Bonus: Lyssophile: Aroused by rabies or of becoming mad.
Macrophile: Aroused by long waits.
Have you ever been at the DMV and noticed that one guy in the corner who, unlike everyone else, seems to be enjoying himself?
Yeah, now you know.
Nucleomituphile: Aroused by nuclear weapons.
Let’s hope that no world leaders are ever born with this fetish.
Nyctohylophile: Aroused by dark wooded areas or of forests at night.
Let’s hope that more world leaders are born with this fetish.
“O” had some other good ones like being aroused by heaven. Yet, Octophile: Aroused by the figure “8” takes the cake. And, I’d like to think that the infinity symbol was created by an Octophile who then had the most thunderous, everlasting orgasm.
Hey, some people like math.
And some people really like math.
“P” offers up what I imagine is the most frustrating fetish to have: Papaphile: Aroused by the Pope. Especially since he is such a dirty little tease.
There weren’t many for “R” but the best one, in my opinion, gives a whole new meaning to the term, “Dirt nap.”
Rupophile: Aroused by dirt.
“S” had some great ones.
1. Samhainophile: Aroused by Halloween.
“Trick or treat!”
“Oh…oh god, please leave.”
2. Satanophile: Aroused by Satan.
I’ve heard of people saying “Oh, God” during sex, but have yet to experience an, “Oh, Satan!”
3. Scriptophile: Aroused by writing in public.
That Starbucks hipster just got a whole lot yummier.
4. Socialphile: Aroused by being evaluated negatively in social situations.
“Nobody wants you here, Jason!”
“Say it again, you naughty boy.”
“And this is exactly why.”
Textophile: Aroused by certain fabrics.
Uranophilia: Aroused by heaven. (See also Ouranophilia)
Is it some sort of bisexuality thing if you’re turned on by both heaven and hell?
Verminophilia: Aroused by germs.
Have you ever been coughed on in a public place by some old man who forgot to cover his mouth and, as flecks of his spittle litter your face, you think, “Oh, Mister, do it again.”
No, me either.
Walloonophilia: Aroused by Walloons.
What the fuck are Walloons?
…Oh, that is awfully specific.
Xerophilia: Aroused by dryness.
“Uncle George is really good at making realistic sand sculptures.”
“Z” of course, brings us back to Zoophilia (lions and tigers and bears, oh my), but there is also Zelophilia: aroused by jealousy, which sounds like it’d be the most frustrating person to date.
Kinks and fetishes are part of what makes sex fun. I’m sure there are thousands more that are 10 times stranger than any of these. Whatever they might be if they are safe and fun, why not explore?
Pop a spoonful of peanut butter in your mouth and go drive over a bridge with your pants off. What’s the worst that could happen?