8.1
October 23, 2020

No, I’m Not “Too Much.” You’re just Terrified to Fall for Me.

Maybe you don’t know me—you only know me to the depth of your ability to see.

My soul holds a lot of mystery, love, and depth that you aren’t willing to dive into. Not because I’m not ready to do so, but because you don’t want to uncover those parts of me.

Maybe you aren’t comfortable with that. Maybe my deep sense of intuition scares you. Maybe you are distracted so much by trying not to love me that it’s taking away the moment of being in love.

Maybe my emotional awareness and vulnerability are “too much” because they bring something out in you that you don’t want to have to deal with, such as your discomforts and insecurities.

There are plenty of things about me that you don’t know. That you are not willing to learn. That you brush away as if those parts of me are not worthy of your eyes.

You don’t know the parts of me that hold passion for love—passion for growth and finding myself even when I do not realize I’m lost. The parts of me that are not seen in my physical body but through my being.

When I dance to the music in the living room or when I sing in the shower. Even when I’m crying as I watch the sad, heartbreaking part of a movie. Maybe you don’t know that about me.

My adventurous, childlike wonder when I am in awe of nature. My creativity and joy of expression through movement, words, and singing that just sounds like yelling. I enjoy the beach, the ocean, and running in and out of waves like a tag game. You wouldn’t know that about me.

You didn’t take time to appreciate the fact that I wake up each morning, make tea, dance, read, and journal, all with a smile on my face because I am happy. Mind you, you don’t even take the time to look into my eyes. Instead, you are in a rush to leave.

Maybe you don’t know that my heart is delicate, and I don’t always allow people in. I keep a tight seal around it, but I wanted you to break it because I was scared to do it alone.

Maybe you don’t know that I love emotions. I love that they carry me in a way that has taught me to accept and be in their presence, embracing my authenticity.

You don’t know that I love taking baths, and I always add way too much bubble.

I take too many vitamins at one time and my stomach gets upset.

I frequently drop things in the shower and forget to take out the recycling.

I cry when my heart feels heavy.

I love long, deep conversations.

I believe that I am always surrounded by the unconditional love of the universe.

I love these parts of me so deeply—the ones that only a few get to see. I want you to love them too.

Maybe you do see those parts of me and you are too scared they would make you love me.

Maybe you know that I could be the reason you fall in love. That I could quite possibly hurt you or that I may make you weak at your knees.

Maybe you do know me, and you know that my feminine depth has a power that feels uncomfortable to you.

You know that I am kind, nurturing, and open, which makes it harder for you to be vulnerable. You know I would want to talk about it, to know you, to hug you.

You know that I am a free spirit, that my passion for life should not be tamed, but maybe you know you can’t hold space for that part of me.

Maybe you know that I love hard, which is why you’re stepping away.

You know that I am full of wonder and curiosity, and maybe you aren’t able to nurture that.

You know that my spirit is wild, capable, and purposeful, and you aren’t willing to make that a part of your life.

You know that I enjoy communicating my thoughts, my gratitude, and all that happens in my head, but maybe you don’t want to hear it. Maybe you don’t appreciate my openness or my will to speak from my spiritual heart. Or maybe you couldn’t find it in you to tell me to stop because you too see that part of me as rare and beautiful.

Maybe you do know me. Maybe you do see my soul through my eyes, and you see all that I am.

For you, my presence is enough to show you all that you are while you sit staring back at me. Looking at me with judgment and maybe a fear of love.

Nobody can judge me as harshly as I have judged myself, but maybe you know that too. You know that past my hard exterior, there is so much more to me that you are not willing to get into.

Maybe you see all these things in me and conclude that I’m not for you.

Maybe I question your judgment and your choice not to love me because I need you to validate me. In fact, you’re making the choice that is best for the both of us.

Maybe I don’t see that your distance shows your love, and your choice should let me live and be me.

Maybe I don’t think that you could actually want to see me happy. Maybe you know that with you, I wouldn’t be the same.

I don’t think that you are doing me the favour of letting me go, but maybe you know you wouldn’t be up for all that may have come from being with me.

You’re making the choice to let another man be the one to embrace all that I am.

Your choice is not to hurt me but to help me.

So maybe I’m the one who doesn’t know you.

~

 

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