7.6
September 20, 2020

I Always thought I Loved “Too Much.”

Maybe you tell yourself you are just lonely, emotional, and hurting, or maybe you just love too much?

I am not one to believe that you can love “too much,” not anymore anyway.

I lost myself when the love I was giving felt more painful than celebratory.

Love is a complicated feeling.

Love is a powerful energy.

Being a giver ran me dry. I lost all hope for myself. I was focused so much on loving others, I couldn’t even love myself.

I blamed myself for my pain. I judged my ability to easily give love as a bad thing because I felt as though I gave “too much.”

I gave and never received, thus causing myself to dislike my own love.

I would cry when those I loved couldn’t reciprocate. I would blame myself. I thought something was wrong with me. I believed that my love was never reciprocated because I wasn’t worth it. Because nobody could love me. I wasn’t lovable.

I believed that I was too emotional, caring, loving. I turned them into hate words and began to tell myself that I was clingy, attached, annoying.

I got mad at myself because I couldn’t not love.

But what a terrible thing to hate about myself. I hated that I loved people.

I would curse myself every time I fell for another boy or opened my heart to a new friendship because I knew I loved “too much.” I looked at it as opening myself up to pain. Which then I could not blame anybody but myself. So eventually I stopped.

I stopped looking for people who could reciprocate. I stopped looking for appreciation. I stopped loving myself. I stopped recognizing my worth. I settled for less because I told myself that nobody will ever be able to love me. My love will always result in heartbreak and loss.

I had friends of mine see my pain and tell me “you care too much,” “you shouldn’t love people so much,” and “they don’t deserve you.”

They literally talked me into believing that the love I gave was not a good idea. I chose to believe them. They were a catalyst for me becoming someone different, someone I wasn’t meant to be. They assisted me in hiding who I truly was.

I was love.

I became the girl who would care but only behind closed doors, in my bedroom, nobody ever saw. I didn’t want people to see because I knew they would judge. I knew they would tell me that I put too much care and energy into people.

I didn’t need more people judging me, I was doing that enough on my own.

So I hid it. Which was even more painful. I didn’t even know what love was anymore. If I couldn’t share it, give it, or receive it. What was the point of love?

To those people who told me that my love was “too much,” I say: when is there ever too much love?

We don’t get enough. We sit longing and praying to be loved, and I was that person who was there. I wanted to be that love for others, but instead, I spent so much time worrying about what others thought about me that I abandoned my soul.

My soul was love.

I couldn’t even love myself or the love I had to give because I told myself it was cursed, toxic, uncontrollable. All I ever wanted to do was love, but then all of a sudden my mind was saying that love wasn’t good enough anymore. Love isn’t the answer.

Love is always the answer.

I never thought that giving all this love was actually the most amazing thing about me. I was never able to appreciate it. I was always told that it was “too much” and those who don’t reciprocate don’t deserve it.

I have spent time thinking about this.

I can see now that love was never my flaw.

Love is my talent.

I have a talent of love and kindness. I always have. Others just couldn’t see it that way. I couldn’t see that way. All I saw was the pain that came from loving.

I can see now that it was never about me. The people I chose to love always deserved it, every single one of them. We all deserve love.

It was that those people were not able to love at the capacity that I could. They were not able to receive as much as I was able and willing to give. But that wasn’t their fault, just like how loving “too much” wasn’t a fault of mine.

That doesn’t make my love painful, that doesn’t make me “too much,” that makes me special. I was willing to give to those who needed it and those who didn’t even believe they deserved it.

But my soul has always been loving. I talked myself out of the essence of my soul’s being because I was scared that I was “too much.”

I found myself again when I found the courage to love.

I am love. That’s my purpose here.

Isn’t that everybody’s? Don’t we all just want love?

Maybe we are just taught that love is too painful, love is harsh, and nobody can reciprocate so we get too scared to love. We get scared that we will never receive it in return. But if we tell ourselves that we won’t receive it, then will we ever be able to truly give it? Fully and unconditionally?

Give it for the goodness of giving. Give it, and be able to understand that not everybody can love like us while knowing it doesn’t make them any less deserving.

We are not meant to go through life giving love only with conditions—only so we get something out of it. But maybe we are too scared to love unconditionally. Maybe we get so fearful of love that when we feel it, we have to be validated so we know we are doing the right thing, so we know we won’t get hurt.

But love is always the right thing. Our love is healing and important. If others cannot accept our love, it is not a reflection upon our worth but a reflection of their own feelings toward love.

I take my power back by owning my ability to love.

My love may be wild, loud, and excessive, but I’d rather have that than be cold or allow others to tell me that I love “too much.”

I love because that’s who I am. I want to be surrounded by those who also love me for who I am. That cannot happen if I am pretending to not be love.

To the man who I end up with, I hope you are just as in love with love as I am. You better be ready to be loved big, loved romantically, and loved soulfully. You will appreciate emotions and adore the love that I give to you and others. You will be loved unconditionally by compassion, respect, and gratitude. You will see my love as endearing and sexy, just as I do.

I will show love by loving myself and knowing my worth, while also knowing yours. I will love by respecting myself with boundaries while also respecting yours. You will be loved so much.

I will love you fearlessly. I will no longer allow myself to be scared to love you.

And to my friends, current, and future—you will see my love in the forms of check-in texts, I love yous, and I appreciate yous. You will see my love of connection, fun, and hugs. You will respect my love. You will appreciate that I do not dim my love and light for the comfort of anybody. You will understand that my love is wild, yet does not need to be tamed, but nurtured. You will also be completely loved by me.

Love is not a curse.

Love is not something we can have “too much” of.

Love is needed, and if you’re like me and love being, giving, and receiving love, please know that I appreciate that about you. Do not fear.

We can do this. We can love those who love us, we can love those who hate us, and we can even love those who don’t feel comfortable accepting our love. All while loving ourselves.

We can forgive ourselves when we are in pain when love doesn’t show itself the way we expected because the intent behind love is only pure.

Love is the reason why you are here. Keep loving. Keep being the light and please appreciate your love.

Love is your superpower.

Love is your soul.

Love,

Moorea

~

 

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