I did it again—trying to explain myself and my love for pole dance to this man.
Sometimes, I have a f*cking hard time to balance out my wild and still sides within me. I crave my own darkness often. Because it’s there where I find the most neglected, condemned, and ignored parts of me.
Though I’m pretty open with my life and my current lifestyle on social media—through my writings, videos, and pictures—I still feel some type of inner insecurity for being judged and abandoned for who I am and what I do.
This inner subtle fear and insecurity makes me want to tell the world—especially a man who I’m in the process of getting to know—why I do what I do.
I try hard to tell them that I’m a multifaceted being, and to not confuse me for easy. I then go harder in my need to explain all parts of me, so they don’t see only my ass shaking or dancing in a bikini, but pay attention to my inner world.
And the more I try to do this, the more I feel I am abandoning myself again as an effort to explain who I am. But do we really need to explain over and again to others about who we are and why we choose a certain lifestyle that makes us happy while the world might not understand?
What is this urge to self-explain?
It’s plain fear.
It’s plain insecurity.
To be abandoned.
To be alone.
To be judged.
To not be appreciated.
It’s fear that pushes us in the direction of trying to explain, or trying to come out as multifaceted so others can make sense of who we are. But why do we need this in the first place? Because we are unsure about our self-worth, of enoughness, just as we are. Quite frankly: I’m over this game my monkey mind wants to play.
Today is the day I decide with full awareness to not explain my spirit anymore to anyone—especially not to any man. My need to explain myself puts me back into my smallness. I want to throw away every box that keeps me shrinking and that does not fit my size.
Today, I decide and choose to live and create the life I envision, where my soul is thriving and experiencing different worlds and environments full of magic and play.
Today, I choose to see my fear and insecurity in its eyes and say, “I’m done with you.” My spirits want to live dangerously in a way that breaks my conditioned chains. And it’s so f*cking difficult sometimes.
But we are here to precisely identify our soul’s blueprint, make tons of human mistakes, and be okay with that and start over and over every day. I want to give myself the permission to f*ck it up, literally. And as a perfectionist, I have failed to allow myself the freedom I need to mess it up, get dirty, and shine again.
My human self wants to get down and be naked and free—literally and metaphorically. My body craves the freedom of movement and a safe space for wearing my favorite sexy outfit or nothing at all.
But my spirits want to be seen as well. Seen for the purity and the genuine passion that composes them. They want to be seen for their inner fire, and dance with other souls who dance in their flames—with abandon.
Maybe my craving to be seen makes me want to explain who I really am. The truth is no one can see us the way we see ourselves. Most people will see themselves in us. They will see us from their current level of awareness and understanding, or their limited, ignorant point of view.
Only a few can really see and understand us without us explain ourselves over and again. And I only want those people close to me. Because I’m tired of telling the world who I am, and it failing to see me.
I want to use my life energy in creating my world—and invite people to see it publicly. But I cease explaining my soul.
I’m not going to shrink myself to accommodate a man or others. I’m not going to become small just because a man or anyone cannot fit the size of my big and rich inner world. And I cannot tolerate a man, or anyone else, treating me as an average kind of woman or human—because I am not.
I love to get to know other people’s inner world. And when I sense they have not enriched their inner gardens and are living a life below their potential—I move away from them.
Sooner or later, they would feel insecure around me or trigger my own past wounds and make me feel small again. I’m not going in that direction anymore.
The bottom line is: you don’t need to explain yourself to the world.
Those who resonate with your spirit will see you. Those who don’t, will see their own limitations in you and dislike you for being a mirror to their poor life. Do not shrink into boxes to accommodate a lover or partner or friend or anyone.
Aim to thrive. Whatever that feels like for you. That’s why you are here—to thrive. Surviving is for the poor in heart.
If you have a big heart and an inner fire—damn it—you are here to f*cking thrive and create a whole new world of beauty that others will be amazed to taste, see, and touch.
So go and create that.