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The year 2020 will be a gone-by year soon enough.
Without realizing, we are already at its last leg. This year has been weird, different, mind-boggling, depressing—any or all of these at one point or another. It knocked on our doors with its own wisdom about needs, wants, and haves.
We learned to welcome the change even when we are not comfortable with it. Change is hardly ever comfortable, but change is really the only constant in life. We evolved, albeit with some confusion and struggles. Life as we knew it once, changed forever. I doubt if it ever will be the same again.
It was like Mother Earth had been gently guiding us toward it, but like stubborn teenagers, we were too obstinate to see it. And then the consequences showed brightly on our faces till we were red with shame. She is a mother, so of course she will forgive and move on but the onus of not repeating the same mistakes lays on us.
Since there was nothing much to do except for poking my head into kids’ online classes and causing them immeasurable embarrassment, to the extent that I was banished from the room with the huge sign on the door—“Do not Enter: class in progress.” It kind of reminded me of my college days when a red light would flash outside the hospital operating room indicating that surgery was going on.
Of course, I handled this pretty well—after having a huge, hysterical moment about it: “How can they turn me off like this from their life,” and all the rumination that came with it.
Thus inspired, I went on a decluttering spree—physical, emotional, and spiritual. There was all sorts of decluttering.
1. Shopping: I am guilty of shopping. I have loved the smell of new clothes and shoes and everything else too. I’ve used it as a vent, catharsis, and pretty much to handle every feeling. But, I learned to live without it, and for the better.
2. Movies: What is a weekend without a movie and outing? Turns out, it is more relaxing, comfortable, and calm. Actually healing.
3. Birthday parties: Especially for kids. Nope. Not at all necessary. No need to put yourself through all the pain and torture of decorating, gifts, return favors, and whatnot. Why did I even do that if everything was just going to come down within half an hour and at the end, with crying and shouting? Why?
4. Vacations: Not a single outing this year. Life is pretty amazing.
5. Anger: Now, this is actual progress. This year gave me enough time to actually sit with myself and address all that was hidden deep inside. Anger was one such issue for me. The frustration and resentment were burning a deep hole in my soul. I did not even realize the control it had over my day-to-day decision making. It needed that bandage of self-care and time to heal.
6. Expectations: Unrealistic expectations from my own self and others. Letting go of expectations and getting hold of acceptance—I found a new me.
7. Fears: Facing my own fears and taking baby steps toward overcoming them ignited a new fire in my belly. For me, it would be standing up to others’ opinions about me and finding my own solid ground to stand on—knowing full well that I might be standing alone.
8. Past traumas: Enough said and cried over the past. Time to move on to new pastures and new range.
9. Toxic people: It was one of the most essential things to do for me. In order to move on, getting rid of everyone who was toxic for my emotional and spiritual health. I found that courage with the help of family and friends. I asked for help and got more than I could have hoped for.
10. Success and failure: The baggage of success and failure. I learned that everything is relative and everyone is doing their bit to survive and do their best. Who’s to define my success and failure except for my own self?
11. Needs and wants: Being aware of my own needs and letting go of my wants and working toward creating a beautiful life of mindful normal, my happiness knows no bounds.
12. My own destructive behaviour patterns: Identifying and working toward a better me who is more aware in the moment, calmer, and more resilient—the new light from within shows me the path.
I know it is a journey, but a beautiful one, scary at times because the terrain is unknown to me. It defies society’s age-old beliefs and norms that I grew up with, but it gives hope to my soul and sparkle to my eyes.
With gratitude toward Mother Earth and acceptance for what the future holds for me, I discovered my writing again and the power to forgive.
To look to the future with confidence and the knowledge that nothing can hold my soul down ever again.
May the next year be healing for all.