December 28, 2020

How Imagining a Llama Healed my Grief & Heartbreak.

I was in a bad shape after I left my marriage.

Imagine dark night of the soul meets Frankie Bergstein, but without the supporting cast. 

What had I done, entangling myself in such devastation with this man, and how would anything ever be okay again when all that had transpired showed me I was clearly hated by God? I didn’t think I could go on. Why would I, anyway? Fun times.

If you have ever ended a long-term relationship or just lived in this world where life breaks your heart and people don’t treat you the way you deserve—like the divine being you are—then you may know some of this pain.

I knew that I was processing years of trauma, drama, and old ways of “loving” that were definitely not serving me through this grief—a good and necessary process. While all this emotion had to be purged for me to ever create the life I desire, would I survive this intensity much longer? Something in me knew my false beliefs were making things even harder than they had to be, like the whole “God hates me, and I’m going to die alone” thing. 

As my false beliefs went on spinning through my head, I was left wondering if there might be any better thought I could grasp onto that could turn this grief on its head.

I figured, if I could think of something better than bleeding out, I might have a chance. Alas, I could not think of one happy thing in my whole life, or in the world. Not. One. Thing.

I prayed and pleaded for help. Figuring even if God hated me, I knew my guides and angels still gave a damn. Funny thing, faith—quite roundabout.

These teary prayers and demands to feel better, mounting in desperation until, behold…I had a vision of a llama.

A llama? Seriously? I’m on the verge of suicide, and you’re giving me visions of llamas? I don’t give a sh*t about llamas.

Okay. Fine. We’ll go with llamas… 

Sitting down on the bed, I imagined petting the long, fluffy neck of a llama. I felt better. Not like being suddenly surrounded by a chorus of angels or in an orgy of avengers characters but calmer, stiller, comforted.

Over the coming weeks and months, llamas pervaded my life. Noticing them everywhere now, I got a llama advent calendar, a little stuffed llama toy to sleep with, and I became obsessed with llama photos on pinterest. And damn, as it turns out, their fluffy perma-smile faces are adorable.

The little bit of comfort that petting an imaginary llama created raised my vibration high enough up out of the funk that I could think another happy thought and then another happier thought and even happier thoughts after that.

Eventually, it snowballed into experiences of frequent pleasure and joyful states of mind. Feeling and knowing again that lighthearted love is a natural state of being, I realized there was more romance, sex, and love for me in the world. Hallelujah!

We have all had heartbreaks—this year perhaps more than ever. Have you found yourself deeply in despair, lost in shadows? Do you have a happy thought to rein you back into reality, into the present moment where safety and peace are accessible, where you are actually okay?

You can ask any aspect of the divine you resonate with to help you with an idea, or you can go with mine. Go with whatever happy, or happy-ish thought you can focus on that is better than the ones tearing your heart out at the moment.

Just stay with it as long as possible, breathe with it. If you were there with that thing, person, or pet in that ocean, pool, on the top of that mountain, or laying in that field, what would you see? What would it feel like in your hands, on your skin? What would you hear? What emotions does that conjure inside of you? Is there a sensation of lightening or softening in your body?

That is closer to your truth. That is grace. You are so completely loved, by me, by life, and most certainly, by the llamas of this world.



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