This poem poured out of me suddenly and all at once. I wrote this poem after realizing I lost myself inside the person I loved.
In many ways, I grew up inside this relationship. What I didn’t realize was that we had stopped growing together. Instead, I began to grow around him.
I lost sight of who I was and ignored my heart when it tried to speak out. I finally woke up one day and decided to start listening. This is how I found myself:
The Art of Letting You Go
I disappear into the person I love.
I form my body around them, so I can feel what they feel,
love what they love,
dream the same.
Today I know I have stopped dreaming.
I close my eyes,
but there is nothing left to cloak my once searching heart.
It fell away with every moment I vanished further into you,
into your dreams.
Now that my eyes are wide open
I am still struggling to pry myself out of you,
so I will start with the basics.
First, with my hands:
As they move away from you, I look down to see if they are really my own.
These small hands were full of possibilities.
They held promises to hold your hand forever,
to hold your gentle heart,
to hold our future children.
They would have been so beautiful.
So full of fire.
So full of chains permanently
entangling myself to you.
For years you would have watched as I tried to break away.
You would have resented my escape plan.
You would tell me to look into our children’s small, sad eyes
and ask myself if they deserve a broken home.
My answer would always be: No.
The solution would always end with Stay.
Next, I will force my head and heart to reappear:
They have been old friends for a very long time.
They lost themselves completely in you.
My head feels like celebrating her freedom,
she feels capable of creating constellations.
But my heart, she won’t stop bleeding.
She grasps onto anything in her path as I pull her away from you.
Her bloody hands reach for the roots of trees,
for the cracks in the sidewalk,
for your outstretched hands desperate to never let me go.
But I am stronger.
I will win this tug of war, and the blood will one day dry out in the sun.
Finally, my soul will detach from yours:
They were entwined for years like cursive,
like the braids, I would have delicately put in our daughter’s hair.
Our souls have forgotten how to exist on their own.
Mine feels lost.
She stumbles around as if her eyes are opening to light for the very first time.
“Give it time,” I tell her.
“Give it patience, and you will adjust.”
But right now, it feels like acclimating to the thin air of Everest.
It feels like oblivion.
I long to tell your soul the same,
but I no longer feel what you feel.
The blood in my veins no longer flows toward you.
I listen to my heart waiting for her to beat out your name,
but it is getting fainter and fainter with each passing day.
I believed you were the best of me,
I pray I was not your worst.
Now that I am fully on my own,
my heart can no longer carry you.
You will stay in my prayers.
You will stay in my dreams.
But just for today, I will breathe you in deeply
and let the person I love go.
I share this poem in hopes that the lessons I learned from my own journey may help others on a similar path.
These words are for you. Let your heart speak out. You are more than enough.