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January 18, 2021

5 Problems with Modern Dating (& How to Not Let them Screw us Up).

Dating in this modern age seems to be a competition between who looks good, offers value, and is able to unconditionally love someone.

But it is also about the capacity to be less attached to others at the same time.

Unfortunately, this multidimensional competition is messing with our minds and making it more difficult to find an authentic connection.

As if that wasn’t enough, the pandemic made things even more complicated.

We are in lockdown, and most people are stuck at home with not much to do. Not going anywhere gives more avenues for other people to sharpen their flirting (and ghosting) skills, experiment on which lines are effective, and figure out if people are going to bite their bait.

It’s almost like we’re normalizing these screwed up ideas of what dating shouldn’t be like.

Here are the five main problems with modern dating:

1. Most people are not clear about their intentions

Most of the time, when we meet people we like, we want to get to know them and find out how they could fit into the chaotic, but joyful, life we’re trying to live. The same goes for people we think we’d like to date.

But in this modern age, where we meet people online, flirting happens pretty fast.

Words of affirmation and the soothing idea that someone likes us melt our walls like butter. And after a few dates, when we finally want things to be steady, we’ll find out that they’re not ready for anything serious—leaving us hanging and screwing with our emotions at the same time.

Unknowingly, we rode the roller coaster with them only to get left alone at the top to face the crashing down with our eyes wide open while our stomach turns inside out.

We have to understand that some people just really want the highs of the dating game, where their egos are getting stroked. But when the signals of commitment start showing up, they run, leaving us clueless, stranded, and alone with no choice but pick up the pieces they left behind and move forward.

2. People have normalized ghosting

Usually, people will give an explanation or an alibi and then utter their painful goodbyes.

But now, in this modern and millennial dating, when our potential partner doesn’t want a steady relationship, they just disappear—like a thin bubble that floats in the air, only to vanish from our sight.

How did ghosting, instead of talking about how things are going, become the new normal?

How can some people sleep at night after leaving other people’s lives without giving any clue about why they did? How can these folks expect others to move on without any hatred, pain, or emotional bruises?

3. People are trying to be perfect

Thanks to social media, where we can post all of our life’s highlights, we are expected to live up to them 100 percent.

We’re expected to be intelligent, generous, kind, independent, financially stable, a political analyst, a philanthropist, a cook, a foodie, and a therapist, while still having the body of a celebrity and perfect skin.

But for the glory of numbers, likes, and hearts, some people want to play the game because they think it will come handy in the dating pool. We believe our crush will choose someone who checks every standard on the list they’ve created.

We are all trying to live out the best version our life can offer, but there will always be some flaws, mistakes, and emotional wounds  and traumas that we’re trying to heal from. With all the effort to heal from these things in mind: let’s not spend our energy chasing people who are not even sure about their feelings for us.

4. People mostly look for a time-pass

While everyone is at home because of the pandemic, and things are starting to get boring, people are looking for something or someone to entertain and distract them.

But when people start reaching out to other people—when they flirt with them or say things they don’t mean to catch feelings—then chances are high that it’s about to get really messy.

It’s always best to keep in mind that some people only chat or flirt with us because they’re bored, or they are healing from something else, and we happen to be a nice distraction from that.

With this in mind, it’s probably best if we don’t jump too fast and too quick onto some people. Get to know them first—really get to know them.

Parse every detail in their life that you think matters when it comes to dating. Be sure that they are clean from their past and really see you as an interesting person they genuinely want to get to know and hopefully be in a relationship with.

Never entertain or date someone who’s being inconsistent and doesn’t make you feel right. Their energy won’t lie. We need to stop viewing other people through rose-colored glasses and let their red flags shine brightly in our eyes instead.

5. People are uncomfortable with being genuine

While folks are busy aiming for perfection and trying to look cool, we are wasting our time trying to genuinely get to know them.

People have created walls around them that protect them from getting hurt. I understand that desire, but people who constantly show off a different vibe to look cool, act cool, and be cool are also people who are going to make us feel cold in the end.

It’s hard to trust a person who doesn’t seem genuine and is uncomfortable when they’re with us.

Isn’t it good to meet someone who makes us feel warm and real? When they’re comfortable being real with us, we can see their honesty, their vulnerability, their interest—and vice versa. When we meet new people, we should always try to be our authentic and genuine self. In the end, when they’re gone, we won’t feel like we lost them, but they’ll feel as if they lost us.

With these messed up norms in the world of dating, the only thing we can do is work on ourselves and let our aura shine when we’re with other people. 

If we take more time to invest in ourselves and ask people about their true intentions the cheaters, losers, and other wrong people will fade away from our lives. Only then will the genuine folks, who can actually deal with our independence and strong personality, start showing up and when they do, we should get to know them first.

I cannot stress this enough: please do not ignore the red flags that were waving all along.  

We have to be mindful about who we date and decide wisely when to let down our guard.

~

 

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