3.2
February 1, 2021

How to Find the Light within Ourselves.

I don’t know how this happened, but today it felt like this light went off in my head.

I had a good day. A good day after a long string of days that were pure sh*t. Days where I had so much heartbreak I couldn’t breathe, so much anger I could’ve killed someone, and so much sadness I could’ve killed myself—in fact, I prayed to die.

Why?

Because I was so tired of trying. So tired of having expectations of people, especially of men. And when these expectations failed me, I let them convince me that I wasn’t worth anything, that I wasn’t good enough to be loved or even considered.

That, in a nutshell, has been my whole life thus far—I’ve let others dictate my worth.

It was always a rollercoaster of ups and downs. If the guy I was into paid attention to me, then I was good enough. If he didn’t, then I must be the ugliest, most disgusting, and unworthy person there ever was.

Today I looked back on a sh*tstorm of unfortunate events, even one this past week where I almost lost my job because I let all my rage and anger show.

I was at a crossroads of sorts, and today, I decided I was going to take a chance and choose to be happy just for this day, instead of dwelling on my sadness like I always do.

Instead of overanalyzing and agonizing about why the guy I want doesn’t want me back, why I always have to worry about money, why I can’t find something—or anything—in this life to make me happy.

I chose to live this day differently.

I chose to dance like an idiot with one of my coworkers to a Billy Joel song on the radio.

I chose to put up Valentine’s Day decorations with a co-worker who I usually don’t get along with, and we decided to turn over a new leaf starting today.

I chose to let my guard down with my coworkers when I realized that all this time, I thought they were trying to alienate me; it was really only me trying to alienate myself.

I chose to dance around in my kitchen while I made dinner, and it felt like freedom.

I chose to look around my apartment and acknowledge how proud I am of learning to survive on my own.

I messaged a friend I know I can trust, and I told him that I’m going to choose to be happy with myself—and by myself.

I know it will not be easy because old habits sometimes have a way of creeping back in. And I know sometimes I get lonely, but I choose to learn to work on myself instead—inside and out.

This friend helped me realize that I am the most important person in my life, and I am worth it.

I deserve to be happy. I am worthy of every good thing in this world. I am capable of living a life I can be happy with on my own.

I am truly tired of letting others convince me that their lack of interest in me means I am not worthy of being loved—I am.

I choose to love myself and all the parts of me, good and bad—that is all I need.

I choose to love myself the way no one else ever has, even myself.

I choose to love myself the way no one else ever can or will.

I have the key to my own happiness in this life, and, as cliché as it sounds, I will never again put that key in anyone else’s pocket.

~

 

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