I have been on a journey of pain, heartache, regret, anger, and fear.
Asking myself questions never asked before. Digging more in-depth than I ever could have imagined. Slowly uncovering the layers in the search for answers.
I had just returned back from India in November 2016, feeling healthy and refreshed, ready to embrace the world and also share my passion for yoga. For a brief time, thinking I had everything figured out. I had direction. My memories from India are amazing, but then, the questions started to come…
Who am I? What is my purpose?
I had never ever really stopped to think about this, or maybe, had been avoiding the search. I was so busy doing the things we believe we should be doing—living the way the majority of today’s society does. Following the beliefs we have been raised with, programmed with, living someone else’s life, living every day as if in a hazy bubble, not really looking within myself.
It’s not been easy. In all honesty, I was a wreck, and some days, I saw no future whatsoever. My heart never hurt so much; I cried myself to sleep many a night, kept myself indoors, not wanted to speak to anyone, not eaten enough, eaten far too much, I had never been so confused as to where my life was leading. I basically got to the point, my lowest point ever, where I thought, f*ck you, Universe.
Where are the positives?
The last few years, I have been the most positive, upbeat person I could be, always looking for the positives, giving everyone advice, showing gratitude for everything, but then, one day, my life started to crumble around me. Why me? I thought. How can this be? I can’t seem to find any positives. What’s happening? I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. I can’t cope. I don’t want to listen to your advice. I don’t want to listen to my own opinion. The advice I had been sharing and believing in for many years.
I didn’t let many people in to see my lows, and when I did, there was nothing they could do to make me feel any better or pick me up. Believe me, they tried (you know who you are, I love you all loads, and thank you). When we hit these low points of our lives, it’s so hard to see past them; we are stuck in a rut and can’t find a way out.
No matter how big or small a problem or difficult situation may seem, sometimes it’s hard to function and think of anything else. The world caves in around you, and it’s a scary place to be.
Come on, you can get through this!
There came the point when I realized I could not continue this way. I actually started therapy—this was a hard decision, but a great one. I could not think of anything else. The second I stepped into the room and started talking, we began to uncover layers. I began to look at things from another angle. I saw things I don’t really like about myself, things I hated at the time. Some things I can change—patterns formed throughout my life, but now, I realize that’s just me.
I faced fears and was honest about how scared I was. I have never ever really opened up to anyone in my whole life.
What’s my purpose? Most people have dreams, have some kind of direction in life—a house, a dream job, a family. (So I thought.) But not me; I felt so alone.
The only thing I could think of was, I have an urge, a calling to travel. But where? When? How? Will this answer my questions?
I also wanted to write, to share my story. If my account could help just one person, then that would be amazing.
We are not alone; we are all in this together; we are one with the universe. My purpose is to do whatever I can to make this world a better place. Opening my heart and soul to paper. So many wonderful writers and stories have inspired me, and I am truly grateful.
Then, I started to dig deeper. It’s time I sort myself out—no more feeling sorry for myself, doubting myself, hating myself, playing the victim.
Let’s start. Ditch the padded bra, remove the makeup, wear WTF I want. Let’s clash. I need to start being me.
No more buying crap, material things that don’t bring me happiness.
Wear whatever I like. Be whoever I want.
Stop caring what others think of you. I read a great quote:
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” ~ Dr. Seuss
Start believing in yourself. If you don’t, who will?
Meditate—take some critical you time.
Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful.
It’s okay to open up, it’s okay to do therapy; if it helps, do it. I will continue to do it.
It’s okay to be down, to feel low, we all have these days, and it’s fine. Cry. Take your anger and upset out on a pillow. Let it all out. Don’t hold it up inside.
It’s okay to say no—something I have rarely done in the past.
Get outdoors, spend time alone, breathe in the fresh air.
It’s not easy but a start. I watched numerous documentaries, which really started to change my thoughts. Read tons of books and articles on the net, and slowly, day by day, started believing in myself. Letting go of what no longer served me. Not looking for an outcome, just handing everything over to the universe, and trust it will guide me.
There is no beginning and no end, we are all just living in our own movie set. A Hero’s Journey. A never-ending circle of separation, initiation, and return. You must watch the documentary “Finding Joe“; it answered so many questions for me.
And you know what, I’m going to be the frickin’ hero in my story—for this one, the next and the next, and so you will be too.
I’m actually grateful for my lows, the hurt, the pain, and sorrow.
I did not think I would be saying this a few weeks ago, but I now understand why: I am and always have been exactly where I am supposed to be (this was the hardest part to follow), but without all this heartache and pain, I would not be the person I am right now.
So thank you, from the bottom of my heart to anyone who has crossed my path and from whom I have let myself get hurt. For the lessons I have learned, I have grown wiser. You have helped me see who I am—I am strong, I am beautiful, I am caring, I am me. You know who you are, I will always love you, you have made me into who I am today.
I am in control of my emotions and how I deal with things—not letting anything or anyone get in my way. I choose not to pity myself; I choose not to hate myself; I choose to live for the now. I choose to surrender to the universe and let it support me.
Yes, there will be many ups and many downs, each and every day—obstacles to get over, barriers to remove. But for now, I’m going to own it, and next time I break, I will pick myself up, and I will come back even stronger. Continuing to learn, continuing to grow.
This is my life, and I’m going to shine brightly.
May the light in me shine bright like the light in you
Next time you count all the beautiful things, remember to include yourself.