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February 10, 2021

Lockdown Anger: How to Embrace our Miserable, Grumpy, Irritable Selves.

Anyone else dealing with lockdown anger?

You wake up and feel irritable—about everything.

Someone texts you when you’re in the middle of doing some really important stuff like mindlessly scrolling on Instagram, and you feel your heartbeat start to race and you just wish everyone would leave you the f*ck alone.

But then, you’re also lonely. Not all the time. But still, lonely.

But you don’t want to talk about it because you’re sick of talking about it. And you’re sick of hearing all the “solutions” out there because you don’t want to do another goddamn Zoom call.

You know that you should reach out, make an effort, go for walks with another household if it’s allowed, yada yada yada…But you also just want some peace and quiet! Except, all you’re in, all the time, is peace and quiet.

Work is great. You’re happy you have work. Grateful. Super grateful. And yet, the motivation to show up every day is dwindling. You wish you could also just lie in bed and keep binge-watching that new “Firefly Lane” show on Netflix, but you also do that all night and all weekend, so you are grateful for a reason to get up every day, really.

You want to get through the day to get to the weekend but then the weekend comes, and what is there? You’re in the same room, the same house, unable to do anything new and exciting.

So, you try and sign up for a virtual comedy event but then Saturday comes, and you’re so tired and it doesn’t start until 9 p.m., and you’re already in your PJs. You’re trying hard to switch things up and give yourself something to look forward to, but, at the same time, there’s something soothing about having the same, mind-numbing routine.

Should you be trying to do more to make this time better? Yes, probably. But all you want to do and have the energy for is the things you know are likely making you feel so miserable in the first place.

And now, Valentine’s Day is around the corner. You don’t really care because it’s another capitalist, Hallmark-created holiday designed to make the single feel lonely and make couples feel the need to prove their love for one another with chocolates and sexy lingerie. Even those couples who are all like, We’re not buying anything, we’re just doing a fun dinner with wine! make you so effing angry. You used to love Valentine’s Day even when you were single—I just love, love, you would say.

But now you’ve turned into a miserable f*ck who throws her phone across the bed when she sees a happy couple.

You know, in the grand scheme of things, you’re lucky. You’re lucky you have a roof over your head, don’t have to worry about your next meal. You’ve heard people say it’s better to be alone than feel lonely in a relationship in lockdown—or worse. You know that there are frontline workers and people actually dying, completely alone without their friends and family in hospitals. You know all this.

You are also grateful that you have the option to Zoom call people if you want to. You are grateful you have a workplace that lets you write an article about this.

And when you think about it, and you talk about it, and you allow yourself to move through the grumpiness—not try and positivity-it away—you might just begin to feel a little less irritated.

Maybe you do meet someone for a walk, and you both talk about how sh*t this all is. Even just saying that aloud for a moment, and hearing someone say, “I feel that too,” reminds you maybe you’re not so alone and that the whole world is going through this.

So, may we have our pity-parties. And may we make friends with our grumpy, irritable, miserable lockdown selves, and remember that whatever we feel right now, wherever we’re at, is okay.

It’s going to be okay.

~

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