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This time it’s different.
They will grow to love me. One day he will realise. I’m sure if I hold on a little longer it will change; surely, they will come to their senses—it’s just a matter of time.
If you’ve heard yourself say this inwardly, or outwardly, then you need to stop, right now.
Baby girl, you’re setting yourself up to fail.
Maybe it’s a desperate hope or even a clinging fantasy—either way, it’s a false narrative and this b*tch of a cycle needs breaking.
Look, I know this is easier said than done and I also know that hope is the hardest thing to squash, but if you don’t contain this crazy notion then it will devour you for dinner.
You’ve heard the saying, “Better the devil you know,” right? Well, sometimes it’s not true. In this case, you are wasting your precious heart on the devil you know, and that devil isn’t for turning.
It doesn’t matter how much you give, how you dress, how you adapt your communication styles, how many followers you have, or how intertwined you are in their friendship or family group. If someone doesn’t see your worth right now—right this instant, warmly and clearly—the chances are they will never, ever see it. Maybe their mercurial ways are confusing, perhaps it’s a case of conflicting signs, or it could be that you are clutching at every single straw you’ve created in your mind to convince yourself otherwise.
The leopard’s spots are not changing, so why are you convinced they will? Stop sugarcoating their sh*t a moment longer.
Your fantastical theory of a happy ever after will come but they won’t be part of the cast—they won’t even have a supporting role in this story. They are an illusion; they are the wildcard in the pack. But they are not now nor will they ever be the leading role. Please don’t force them to be.
And yet here we are again, back in the revolving door of will they/won’t they. Spinning out of control.
The wake-up call that you need is already inside you; whilst your mind tries to protect your sensitive soul into believing that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it will not take responsibility for when the sh*t hits the fan. It will not protect you from the inevitable fall because your heart already knows what your mind is denying. It’s not real, and you know this—deep down you always did.
You are at the beginning of what you believe is a soul connection—should it really be this hard? If the truth was what you keep telling yourself it is, would you be trying so desperately to push, to convince, to gain acknowledgement, to be included? You are pushing against a current that will not let you in. Even Wonder Woman would not be able to hold the ending at bay.
Let it wash over you. Let it go.
When it’s right, you won’t have to justify—it will just be.
You say it’s love, but it’s one-sided. This is loneliness cloaked as love and you are selling yourself short. Don’t let a half-hearted man dictate your happiness; rise up and be your own happiness.
Don’t stand on the sidelines or sit on the subs bench anymore. Free yourself from this intolerable inconsistency and leave the table when reciprocity is not being served.
Your notion is poisoning you and you are culpable. You are not replaceable, and anyone who deems you so is an expensive lodger in a heart that cannot afford a poor-paying tenant.
Yet still the excuses flow, the truth is overshadowed by your desire—your deeply held longing to love and be loved in return. This isn’t the place for that; it isn’t the way this one will go. See this for what it was: a fleeting flirtation that was sweet but short-lived—and not to be repeated.
Believe that you were enough, that the love and security, passion and kindness you gave were enough; you just gifted them to someone who wasn’t ready and wasn’t ever going to be ready to receive them.
Blow up the gas lighter, cast aside the emotionally stunted, and know that there is another way, another path, and another story that is waiting for you. A story where effort is reciprocated, feelings flow easily, and all the barriers are broken.
Recognize that their indecision is a decision. And it’s time to make yours too.
You don’t need to be convinced of this as it’s already an obvious outcome. You just need to be reminded of this and believe it. Believe that everything happens for a reason and things that don’t happen are as important in the lesson we call life as those that do.
“Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.”~ Paulo Coelho