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March 7, 2021

Trauma Work & Letting go of Childhood Gunk.

“Why I Want to do Trauma Work.”

My therapist keeps asking me why I want to do trauma work.

Isn’t it obvious? I’m struggling and it seems like the next logical step to do. But, it goes deeper.

We are doing a specific form of therapy called prolonged exposure. I record myself reliving traumatic events. Then, in between sessions, I listen to those recordings again and again until the emotional arousal elicited as a result gradually decreases and dissipates. There will likely be times when it gets difficult and I want to quit.

According to my therapist, the harsh, critical voice inside my head is a result of trauma. It’s the reason I can be dismissive of myself; disregarding my emotions feeling distrustful of others. It’s the reason that being alone feels like the equivalent of being poked and prodded by my inner gremlins.

The fact is that my world was a dangerous place when I was growing up.

The patterns of my heart, mind, and personality were programmed in an environment filled with landmines. And, even though the landmines have been disarmed, parts of me don’t know that.

Who am I underneath all this childhood gunk?

More importantly than what I will gain is everything I can let go of: beliefs that are stale, old, and crusty; beliefs that came from generations before me. In doing so, I can heal for all my predecessors before me who didn’t have that opportunity.

This is why I’m ready for trauma work:

I dream of a day when I feel safe; when I can rest in another person’s arms and feel at peace; when I can be with myself and feel at home; when the soul inside of me can live free.

What do I look like when I leave this baggage behind?

How do I talk when it’s my voice doing the speaking?

Where do I go when I step confidently into myself?

I would love to hear her; this person that I might have been having grown up in a safe, healthy, nurturing environment.

Could she still be? Can I reclaim her?

To feel a greater sense of connection with myself and with others; to look in the mirror and believe in my goodness—in my wholeness; to believe in hope; to believe in a world where other people are trustworthy and where I am deserving of love.

I want to live in this world. I believe with my whole heart that by facing my trauma—by doing the work—those trauma symptoms can begin to subside. I believe that healing is possible.

Here I come.

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