My whole life, I have been strong, independent, feisty, and incredibly driven.
Growing up in a dysfunctional household, I handled it many different ways. I acted out—a lot—and to maintain a sense of sanity, I gained complete control over my own life and choices at an early age.
I have always been seeking what I fear the most, an amazing man. However, despite this deep desire, I have spent more time than I can even fathom chasing the unavailable, the toxic, the broken, and the abusive just to conquer them and somehow prove I am worthy.
Although this has been a subconscious act, I am now privy to this information and have decided to stop the cycle of self-abuse.
There is no doubt that I have become a successful, strong, beautiful, competent woman, and for that, I am sincerely proud and I never want that to change. It is who I am—to the core.
But…I was also cold, controlling, possessive, and gained a fear of intimacy and vulnerability (which I have since been working on). I became completely emotionally unavailable myself and, dare I say, avoidant.
So, although I crave, desire, need, and want a deep, intimate, vulnerable, and healthy love more than I could ever express to you, I have been incapable on every level, and my relationship history supports this.
The truth is, we are drawn to what we know and what we are comfortable with. So although we may desire connection, presence, love, loyalty, and depth, unfortunately, we seek what we are—it is a fact.
I have been digging deep the past few years, and more intensely these past six months, focusing on compassion and forgiveness. And I am working with my inner child to heal those deep, deep wounds and fill those holes that have left me in this place that I reside.
I have been walking around with this invisible armor around me, literally repelling any sort of intimacy or vulnerability. I should just wear a sign across my heart that says, “Keep out.” I puff up my chest and brag about how capable I am, how I am self-sufficient and successful, and how I don’t need a man for anything. The problem is, this is why I don’t have a man.
No wonder I am single.
The reason I was chasing down unavailable men was because I was completely unavailable myself.
Remember, we seek what we are (the mirror). (Please note: I say “was” because I will no longer see myself this way. The madness ends now.)
I have been enlightened.
I watched a wonderful show the other day that focused on why beautiful, smart, independent, and successful women are single.
Without going into the entire show, which I would love to, I will share with you my highlights.
1. We all have something that gets in the way of a healthy relationship—whether it’s fear, anxiety, overanalyzing, having too strict of criteria, insecurities, or all the above.
2. We have limiting beliefs such as—all the good men are taken; men can’t be trusted; all men cheat; I don’t need a man for anything, I can do it all myself. Sound familiar?
3. We are not in touch with our feminine side, therefore, we are not attracting masculine energy; we are not available, accessible, or soft—which reside in the realm of the feminine.
4. We see vulnerability and softness as “weak.”
5. We stay in bad relationships because we are afraid to be alone and we refuse to believe there is someone good out there.
6. We don’t feel worthy.
7. We aren’t ready to give the three As—affirmation, acknowledgement, and appreciation.
8. We haven’t filled our “Daddy Holes” (aka: we haven’t resolved our daddy issues).
This show was nothing more than an aha moment for me on so many levels. Not only for me but for my beautiful, strong, successful, and independent coaching clients.
Basically, the message is:
“He can’t show up if you don’t need him.”
So, I am challenging myself to change my perspective and to start recognizing why I really do need a man.
Every day, I am going to journal about what a good, healthy, loving, supportive, and solid man can bring into my life. I am going to let go of the emotional baggage I have been carrying around, which includes the limiting beliefs I have packed away, along with the past boyfriends who have shown me that I can’t need them (which is what helped me develop this invisible shield of independence that I am now so ready and willing to shed).
Needing a man doesn’t mean I will give up my strength, passion, drive, and success. On the contrary, needing a good man will provide me support and partnership because he will love these things about me and won’t punish me for being who I am; it will be just the opposite—he will bring the best out of me.
So, I am working to let go of these fears that have had me bound for so long in believing I am not worthy of needing anyone but myself.
I encourage you to do the same if you struggle with the same issue.