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April 10, 2021

My Greatest Lesson in Radical Accountability came from a Bad Haircut.

I got my hair cut recently.

For someone with naturally curly hair, this is a big deal. Haircuts make or break us. It had been seven months since my last one (not that unusual for me), but it was time. The previous two haircuts that I had were not the best, so I was really hoping to finally have something that worked. I scheduled my hair appointment and went with great anticipation.

However, as I started walking closer to the building, I noticed a tightness in my chest. I felt afraid, insecure, and vulnerable.

I feel like every time I go into a salon, I am bombarded with all the things I am not doing for my beauty. I stop being on my own team and validating myself for who I am. My comparison queen kicks into high gear, and I instantly see all the ways I fall short.

As my hairdresser came up to me, I felt the confidence I normally feel go out the window. I suddenly had no idea what I love about my hair. I lost confidence in myself because my hair didn’t look like her hair. My hair is big and frizzy. I felt myself get smaller and smaller as the shame and judgment crept in about my big and unruly hair. I felt my heart contract.

I let my hairdresser do what she wanted without letting my voice come.

The voice wanted to say:

I love who I am.

I have spent so much time and energy getting to this place of embracing myself. Please don’t take that away from me.

Don’t look at me with judgment about my unruly hair.

Those words were not spoken. She washed it with product that I am sure was meant to tame the unruly beast. She then said we could “thin this.” And my confident voice, which was long gone at this point, stayed silent.

She thinned it—I felt myself become smaller as my hair became smaller.

When I got home my partner looked at my hair, and said, “It looks thin.” He loved my big, curly hair too. I went into instant fear. I sold my soul out of fear, my precious locks have been swept away, and my partner was disappointed.

Could things have gone worse? I went into panic mode. I suddenly knew, with certainty, that there was no way to fix this and I was ruined. And it was everyone else who was to blame. My curly hair identity was gone and the only thing to do was to wait months and months for it to grow back. I was devastated.

My fear wanted to hear nothing of a “soul growth perspective.” I was afraid, and fear was winning.

So what happened next?

I allowed fear to run the show for a while. I allowed myself to be irrationally afraid of “just a haircut.” I allowed my vanity to be what it wanted to be.

Then I slowed down. I became aware of the fear in my heart and knew that something was waiting to be born out of this experience. This suffering was here to reveal something to me.

I allowed myself to look at the truth of myself, and this is what my truth said:

You did this to us.

It was you who abandoned yourself on the walk to the beauty salon. It was you who allowed yourself to be swept away by all the lies that said you aren’t beautiful.

It was you who didn’t speak up and own who you are.

It was you, darling. And it is okay.

There is no right or wrong, good or bad. This is where your heart is at right now and that is perfectly okay.

This experience was here to reveal the ways that you sell yourself short. What a beautiful blessing to have that shown to you, so that you can step more fully into who you really are.

Because you are beautiful, you are worthy, and you are enough.

I didn’t go into judgment about selling myself short and not using my voice. I simply accepted that that is what I had done. At that moment, that was how evolved my soul was.

And that was totally okay! I could love where I was and how I wanted to grow. I felt expansive and free and totally in control of my story. I saw myself clearly and felt only love.

And all of that happened because I allowed radical accountability. It was my choice to not use my voice. It was me who stayed small in that chair. It was my heart that allowed fear to take over. I could see that and have compassion for the girl who didn’t think she had a choice but to stay small. I can forgive her and show her that love was always there for her.

I can be with her now and comfort her and show her that everything is going to be okay. This experience was here to show her that she has the power to embrace herself on levels she didn’t know existed.

From one heart to another, give yourself the precious gift of radical accountability. Be honest about who you are, how you are showing up, and what choices you are truly making at this moment in your life.

Allow yourself to be real with yourself. When you do that, you can create a life that is beyond what you can currently comprehend or imagine.

Always, always, go with love. You are beautiful, you are worthy, you are enough—frizzy hair and all.

“There is a field beyond right and wrong, come meet me there.” ~Rumi

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