I could feel this little, black cloud start to peek its head over my shoulder.
“You’re not good enough; he’s not going to choose you,” it said.
I’ve decided to put myself back out into the dating world.
I feel like I’m in a healthy place to be putting myself out there and receive a little attention from the opposite sex, but then there’s a turning point. I start to feel this yearning for attention, not a healthy one—more like a desperate yearning. It’s codependency. It’s an icky feeling.
I can feel myself wanting to do something about it, reach out to him, and put more of my energy into it.
That’s what I have always done.
It’s all I’ve ever known.
It’s uncomfortable, and I want to fix, push, force, or figure it out…to get to the end before it’s even started.
And within all of this, I am learning to surrender to the unknown of it all and trust that everything is working out exactly as it should. To trust that by stepping into the energy of allowing it, I will create the space for the right man to show up. I have such a hard time with accepting this. This masculine side of me wants to make things happen. To get that quick fix. It’s literally like a drug—it gives me that high that I’m looking for.
The thoughts of “you said something wrong” or “you didn’t give them enough attention, so now they’re looking somewhere else” circulate through my mind, creating chaos and disorder. I am so aware of them now—thoughts that create a distaste for myself. I have been choosing to rely on something outside of myself to satisfy my desire. I’ve always done that, either with alcohol, or drugs, or meaningless sex. Doing what I could to distract myself from my wound of not loving myself enough—not choosing me.
I’ve stripped myself of all of my negative coping behaviors, and I am replacing them with healthy ones.
I’m learning boundaries, like a child learning to walk.
When it comes to love and partnership, I want it to flow. I want it to feel easy and free; I want to feel like there is a mutual give and take of energy.
Putting the energy back into me and finding things that light me up and bring me joy is my medicine. I feel like I am rediscovering who I am through dating and through the men I choose. They are mirrors of where I am at, how I am feeling, and what needs to be addressed.
So I sit here and write out my feelings,
Hoping that it will make me feel less anxious and worried. Putting the attention back on to me. Healing myself through my words and allowing myself to be present with the emotions, without getting attached to them—knowing that this too shall pass.
I am understanding more of myself through these uncomfortable feelings.
Allowing them to rise and fall like ocean waves. Knowing that they are here to guide me back to myself.
I am here to learn and to feel what it’s like to truly choose me. This angst I feel within my chest, my heart, and my being is subsiding. I am present and aware. Knowing that I have nothing to prove, I am whole and complete; right here, right now.
I am falling in love with myself all over again.