May 26, 2021

We’re asking the Wrong Questions when it comes to having “Better” Sex.

Better Sex, Different Sex.

I was thinking about something I get asked a lot. How do we have better sex?

It’s something so many people talk about, and it’s something so many programmes and courses offer.

What is better sex? I realised that maybe the question we should be asking is how do we have different sex? Because…

Everyone is at a different place in their sexual journey. Everyone has a different understanding of their sexuality and pleasure. Everyone is at a different place in their lives. Everyone is at a different place in their journey of healing, growth, learning, and exploration. Everyone is at a different place emotionally. Everyone is at a different place in relationships.

Better sex for a woman who is not having orgasms is different for a woman who ejaculated easily, and it is different for a woman who explores deep sexual energy states. (I’m just using that as an example.)


When we realize the fullness of the expression of our sexuality, we see all the different ways it can be expressed.

When we come into greater sexual authenticity and start becoming aware of what we want sexually, we understand that we can have something different every day based on how we feel, what our body wants, what our heart wants, what our energy wants, which part of us wants to be expressed.

Today, we might want tender sex; tomorrow, we might want to express our kinky selves; and on the weekend, we want hours of sexual energy in many ways.

We live in patterns. Our sexuality is one of the most deeply and unconscious patterns of our lives. We do the same thing in the same way because it works, or we think it works. It’s our comfort zone, and it’s what we know.

For many of us, talking about sex is one of the hardest things. We have a fear of sharing our fantasies and desires, the things that interest us, that turn us on, that we’d like to explore and experience. The fear is often of judgement, of rejection.

For many of us, the criterion for a successful sexual experience is orgasm. If we move to a model that a successful sexual experience is about pleasure, intimacy, love, energy, so much changes. We free ourselves from pressure, from performance, from patterns, conditions, and expectations.

Better is about a measurement—how many times, how many ways, how many different boxes did we tick? And if this was better, then what happens tomorrow, what happens if it’s not, what happens if it’s not what we expected, or something else happens that makes it not better?

Better isn’t about being present.

It isn’t about what is, where we are, where I am, where you are.

Better isn’t about being here, now.

Better isn’t about the feeling, the sensation, the energy.

Better is a judgement.

And there is no judgement on being present and conscious during pleasure. So maybe the question we should be asking is how do we have different sex?

And then we’re starting to create possibilities.

Then we can start learning, expanding, exploring.

Then we can learn to communicate, to listen.

Then we create experiences of deeper fulfillment, which may be different today than it was yesterday. Because we are different. Our energy is different; our emotions are different; our desires are different; our chemicals are different.

We learn to listen to our inner selves, what do we want, what do we need? How do we create that?
How do we understand what our partner is asking for? How do we go beyond our fears? Beyond our conditioning? Beyond our inhibitions?

How do we create a space of freedom to explore, to move toward authenticity, openness, honesty?


And in this, a world of possibilities…

One of the easiest ways to change sex, to bring you more into being present, to feel your body more, to feel sensation more, and to experience greater intimacy is…

Slow down.

Then slow down more.

And then slow down even more



Breathe, slow, deep breaths.


Every now and then…


Be still



Leave a Thoughtful Comment

Read 0 comments and reply

Top Contributors Latest

Jonti Searll  |  Contribution: 19,255

author: Jonti Searll

Image: Thought Catalog/Flickr


Editor: Naomi Boshari