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May 16, 2021

In Order to Find You, I had to Find Myself First

Photo by Jasmine Carter on Pexels.

I want to see the way your face looks on Christmas morning. I want to taste your New Year’s Eve kiss, which will taste sweeter than all the rest. I want to hold your head as you lay close to me on the couch. I want to wipe the tears from your face with my thumb and spoon feed you ice cream when you’re feeling sad. I want to be there for all the good days and the especially the bad days. I want to see you at your worst and at your best. I want to reach over at 2:00 A.M., during a rainstorm, and feel your heart beating next to me. I want to feel your warm body pressed against mine on Sunday mornings and later eat breakfast tacos with you on the couch. I want to cook with you and eat with you. I want to get to know you slowly so I can love you deeply, truly. I want us to take our time so we can see how long forever really is. I want to get to know every inch of your face so I can see you even when it’s dark. I want to learn about your childhood, favorite color, and all about your mom. I want late nights with pillow talk. I want to learn something new about you each day. I want to know about your past, be with you in the present, and move along in this life with you in the future.

Just a few short years ago I could not have imagined you, here, in my life. I was stuck in an abandoned amusement park lost with one lowly clown clinging nearby. I allowed him to keep close because I felt there was no one left for me. I was lost for what seemed like years. Together we tried to find a way out. But it was a lost cause. There were no open doors, only broken down rides and dilapidated games in a park that was once beautiful and is now overgrown with weeds, dead grass and covered in trash. I thought I would never get out. I thought there was no one else for me, so I began to give up.

I was wrong. There was someone for me. But in order to find you, I had to find myself first. I broke the locks on the gate to that amusement park, ditched the clown, and found my freedom on my own. I had to break all the way down, become one with the rubble beneath my body in order to grow into the person I am today. I had to be on my own to discover myself. I had to live alone, make mistakes, learn lessons, and prove to myself that I could stand on my own two feet; and I did, successfully. I found strength, inner beauty, peace, comfort, trust, honesty, and intelligence I never knew I had. Today I am an amazing, strong woman that can love you wholeheartedly, accept you for you are, stand by your side and lift you up when you need it. But I need you to know I did this for me, not you. I will love you like no one else ever has, but I will always love myself first.

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