May 4, 2021

You are the Reason.

Relationships start in frenzied excitement and anticipation of what they might become.

If we are lucky, we find love, and sometimes, we find something extraordinary. Sometimes our soul meets another soul, and there’s an instant knowing—an intimacy. If you’re like me, you open yourself up for the chance of magic.

It doesn’t mean it will last forever. As I have learnt, it might last for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. When it ends, you are left gasping for breath. Fighting a battle between your mind, heart, and soul. You believe a part of you has died, and perhaps it has, but you need to be brave, to trust in yourself, and to deal with your pain.

When you get to a space where you can rise above all of your feelings and reflect upon your past with tender love in your heart and a newfound level of appreciation, that’s when you know you are deeply healing.

You are the reason I experienced pain, hurt, and sorrow of such magnitude; I thought all my broken pieces would be forever damaged. It’s agony and torment which I wouldn’t want anyone to suffer.

You are the reason I understand forgiveness in such a profound way. I forgive you. I forgive me. I forgive all of it.

You are the reason I exude patience. Always waiting. Compassionate restraint. A tolerance that exceeded normal limits. A faith in you. A faith in us. The faith you asked me to have.

You are the reason I found the Goddess within me. The passion. The chemistry. That unexplained energy. The electricity when our bodies connected. I claimed my womanly confidence and power. I discovered that captivating part of me—my essence. I found me.

You are the reason I am the strong, courageous, resilient, and independent woman I am. The trail of f*cking despair left behind catapulted me forward. My strength is in my vulnerability, and it is my shining light.

You are the reason I feel such heartfelt gratitude. Your way of showing me my gifts—my inner and outer beauty—allowed me to realise my self-worth. I am a woman who loves who she is, knows what she wants, and fiercely believes in herself.

You are the reason I’ve established boundaries. The give-and-take in our relationship was far from balanced. The ugliness of insecurities and projections are a painful side effect of a lack of boundaries.

You are the reason I pay close attention to people’s actions rather than just the words they say. Promises made and not kept. Beautiful words said but without action—what meaning do they have?

You are the reason I am so intently following my passions—that I can write so candidly from within my heart and soul. I have learnt and grown so much. The depths of love and despair you bestowed upon me have taught me some of my greatest lessons.

You are the reason I seek the truth in everything I do. Anything built on secrets and untruths will come crumbling down at some point, causing a catastrophic destruction. Honesty, truth, and transparency are the foundations of everything.

You are the reason I have gone within and found my courage. Danced with those dark f*cking shadows. No bypassing. No rug sweeping. No mask wearing. No toxic positivity. No b*llshit. Just messy, sometimes ugly, painful, sad, nonlinear hard work. Grief and loss will have you drowning and burning at the same time. It will have you on your bloody knees until you are ready to face your darkness.

You are the reason my heart has so much love. I have realised that the raw, deep soul love I felt for you still resides within me. I have an enormous capacity to love—authentically and wonderfully. And this love starts with me.

You are the reason I always try and embody grace. Everyone has their own story and are on their own path. I have mine. You have yours. It’s okay to be in a different space. Sometimes our paths join and they stay joined; other times, our paths go in separate directions; sometimes there’s a fork in the road where we hover. Maybe momentarily. Maybe for awhile.

A path can lead us to many destinations, but let it always do so with grace.

When we can look upon those who have hurt us—find the lessons and understand the blessings—we start to heal. Everything felt, everything given, and everything lost is there for us to carry as a burden or to teach us something.

He was my reason.

I went in search of myself and for meaning, and the me that I found is the me I was always meant to become.

~

 

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