Lately, I am finding out whom I really am, and what I really love to do. Figure out what I want to earn my money with, what values I actually have, and what I have done with that. It is late in my life as a 33-three-year-old mother, I know, but when you have been bullied, sexually abuses, manipulated and gaslighted, then you forget who you actually are, and what values you have in your life, what you think is important.
You probably think:
“You were there, right? You could change that?”
That is true, but when you are not really aware as a child of behaviour of children, and adults that say:
“It is about sexual education.”
As a ten-year-old child, you believe that your adult, who abused you, is right about it.
“Adults would know? Right?!”
Unfortunately, they know what a child know and don’t know. And that it’s why they manipulate your brain to sexually abuse you when there is nobody around them, so they could do whatever they want to do.
A few years back, I decided to go into therapy and see what I can do to help my inner self, to be better for others too. Help them with my experiences and warn them about behaviours that people could have.
Since therapy, I am going deeper in my inner self, to see what my capacities are, how I can be me, but also be there for one another while I don’t lose myself again. It is a whole process, but it is oh-so-worth it. I became out better, and my first therapist knew exactly that I had been through something, such as abuse. He asked me in such a way that I was willingly to tell the truth. I hid it, because I was afraid to be punished again, or to be judged by people.
When I went to the second therapist, I didn’t have that click with that woman, she was good, but when there is no click, you are not really able to be yourself, and feel that therapy is going into the right direction.
I am struggling again, so I am going to the third therapist, but they thought I have autism, which is not, but I just have been through a lot in my life, and therefore I need therapy. This woman pushes me into this direction. I can’t handle that. Luckily, I have a good family friend who knows me since I came on earth. I can talk with her about anything and everything. I love her for that. Even though she is in her sixties, I love the connection we have.
So, my motto since therapy session is:
The Deeper Inner Self, The Better For Others
I chose this motto because I love to go deeper to my inner self, so I can be better for others too, without losing myself, my values, my love for everything I love to do in my love. Love for life, and everything to get out of my life.