Maybe it’s because I loved you so much when you were just a fragile little being suckling at my breast.
Maybe it’s because we grew up together, you and me.
Maybe it’s because it’s hard for me to contain how proud I am of you, how proud I am of the man you have become.
My dearest son, I am awkward around you. I giggle nervously. I feel like I could laugh and cry at the same time in your presence.
You see, I don’t know what I did to deserve a kid like you. I didn’t pay attention in school, and you are in college. I cheated and skipped, and you get good grades. I had no ambition, and you have your goals mapped out in front of you.
You are handsome and unafraid. You take life as it comes. Where I am anxious and a worrywart, you are calm and cool.
You look at me sometimes like I’m dumb or not cool. Maybe that’s my stuff. Maybe I am intimidated by your presence. I don’t want to look stupid or be an old mom who doesn’t know anything.
I want to go back to those times when you were little and you looked at me a certain way. I want to go back to those times when it was just you and me, me and you.
You were the first one to show me love and here I am falling all over myself trying to figure out how to love you correctly. How to give you enough. How to be here for you when you are independent and not needing me anymore.
What does it look like for a mother whose child is grown? Our roles have reversed. You are the one who knows everything. You are a strong man who can take care of himself.
My job was to protect you and keep you safe and here you are in the world doing it for yourself. You don’t need me anymore, do you?
Or do you?
If you do, I hope you can show it. I am here for you like when you were learning to crawl and then walk. I hovered over you ready to catch you if you fell. I’d say I probably hovered too much, but now look at you, just look at you now.
If you fall, I will be there to catch you. If there’s something you need to say to me, something I’ve done, something that makes you upset with me, please let me know. Please don’t hold in anger and animosity like I did all those years.
I support you, baby. I am your biggest fan.
I love you, my big boy.
I know you are a man now, but I still can’t wrap my head around it.