My first born turns 17 this week. That alone is enough to write an article about. Allie’s father died suddenly when she was 15. This will be her second birthday that her father celebrates from the “other side of the veil”. I could write an entire book on that experience.

Every decision about her life since her father died is now on me. I used to run many decisions by him, and vice versa. We had a good parenting partnership. The baton has been handed to me and I am now the only Chief Operations Officer of our daughter’s life. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes I try to poll others on what they would do. Mostly I have learned that I have to trust my intuition. There have been times when I have given in to circumstances that went against my intuition and I regretted it nearly every time. My daughter can be skillful at playing my emotions like a fine fiddle, giving me that sweet baby face that reminds me how much I love her and want to give her everything she asks for, or attempting to manipulate me with some phrase like “Dad trusted me”,

Both her dad and I have always been proud of her judgement, and always worked to instill in her the ability to develop her own constructive decisions. After all, that is the goal of parenting. It’s our job to create productive humans who have the capability to discern, negotiate, and determine a healthy path in the world.

One month before it was announced that Covid-19 was headed for the United States my daughter got very sick and I could tell she felt awful. I took her to the Express Care clinic to see if she had the flu again, since she had just recovered from it two weeks prior.  Flu, pneumonia and strep tests all came back negative. We were sent for blood work and it came back “abnormal”. The doctor looked serious, and stated “She has some kind of virus but we don’t know what it is”.

At the same time I also felt “off”. I had a bad cough and my lungs felt extremely “heavy”, as if I required something extra to help hold them. I was deeply exhausted and slept for a few days, waking up here and there and realizing I didn’t have the strength to be awake. This came with a low fever.

One month later I learned there was a blood test to see if you have the antibodies for Covid, so you can tell if you have already had it. I took my daughter to get this test and a few days later we were notified that it was positive. My blood also showed that I had already had it. Allie was the first patient in her pediatrician’s office to test positive, and one of the first 25 people in our county. We thought this was very good, and assumed we were now protected. We figured we didn’t need to wear masks since Covid had already “hit” our house. My son and husband had also experienced something of a similar degree.

In the beginning many people said this Covid talk was a scam. There was no way I was going to get a vaccine when they came out with one. I don’t even get flu shots anymore because they always made me sick and I usually got the flu anyway. I figured whatever this was would pass quickly and we would all get back to normal in no time.

Businesses started closing and we stayed home. My husband and I work from home anyway. The kids did school online. Covid seemed to ramp up, and we started masking up in public since we realized that people are scared and they don’t know that we’ve already had it. We used sanitizer, washed hands and kept to a very small pod of people in our small circle. My work shifted from in-person counseling sessions to online, phone, Zoom, FaceTime and other apps.

I read online that a friend of mine from high school, in his mid 50’s, died of Covid. It was sad to hear but I realized he had other health complications. A couple days later the husband of a distant cousin died from Covid at age 35 after a week in the hospital. He had no preexisting health issues and reportedly took every precaution he could. This got my attention. Hospitals began filling up and there were shortages of treatment supplies. It seemed to be getting more and more intense. I worried about my parents being exposed to it.

When a vaccine came out I was skeptical. Who knows what’s in that? I am not an “anti-vaxxer” per se, but I do research vaccines before I put them in  my children’s bodies, or my own. I adopted one of my children at birth, whose birth mother was briefly paralyzed as a child following a vaccine. I read the labels and do one shot at a time so I know what it was if there is an adverse reaction.  I will not allow my children to receive, for example, the HPV vaccine because I don’t think it’s necessary and I personally know multiple teens who have had very bad reactions including one who died. My step-daughter developed Crohn’s disease shortly after getting the HPV vaccine.

As a healthcare professional I was one of the first groups eligible for the Covid vaccine once it started to roll out. I waited. I didn’t think it had been out long enough to risk it. Besides, our household already had Covid so we were immune.

In late Fall of 2020, my daughter’s good friend’s football team made it to State Finals for the first time ever. His mom was taking a few friends in a van to watch the play-offs, and my daughter wanted to go. I said no, explaining that it would be irresponsible of me to let her go to this place filled with people in the middle of a world-wide pandemic. She was disappointed, and a little angry. She reminded me that “Dad always trusted me”, and that she had already had Covid so she had antibodies against it. The friend’s mom even called me and asked if Allie could go. I said it was against my better judgement. Ultimately, I caved. I didn’t want her to miss it. I agreed only if she would wear a mask the whole time, sit in the front seat of the van with the windows cracked for ventilation, and stay in her pod of 4 seats at the game.

She went to the game, had a great time, and their team won. Three days later, she was not feeling well and it looked very familiar. I took her to the pediatrician and she was given various tests including the Covid test. I didn’t think they got a very good swab but she had already had Covid anyway. The doctor assumed it was just ‘whatever was going around’ and told her to rest and drink liquids. He stated, “It’s unlikely that she would have Covid again”. That was a relief. A few days later she was feeling mostly back to herself and asked if she could go back to her job in the mall. I agreed since the doctor had stated it was not likely Covid and she felt well. While she was at work that morning I received a call from a nurse at our pediatricians office. I almost didn’t answer but decided to. The nurse stated, “Allison’s Covid test came back positive”. I asked her to repeat it, and she said the exact same words. I reminded her that Allie already had Covid in February. The nurse stated that they are finding that the antibodies are only lasting about 3 months. Sigh. I told Allie she could not return to work for a few more days, even though exposure may have already happened. Luckily they were all wearing masks at her job. And sure enough, Allie then noticed that she had no sense of taste or smell. This lasted for many weeks. In the meantime, Allie’s best friend and her dad (who has diabetes) ended up with Covid.

In March of 2021, after a year of conducting psychotherapy sessions virtually, it felt like it was time to start seeing people in person if it could be done safely. Due to the level of anxiety people many people were feeling, there was no shortage of patients and I was working days, nights and weekends.  I contacted the local health department and was able to get a dose of the vaccine that was left at the end of the day at a vaccine clinic. They did not want to waste any doses so my husband was able to get one too. My parents had also gotten their vaccines around the same time. I had minimal side effects with the first dose, and about 8 hours of low fever, fogginess, shaking and chills the day after the second dose. No other side effects to date, 4 months later. It felt like the right decision, and I was able to start seeing some people in “real life” again after a year. We have come a long way. But it’s not over.

One month from now, the school year resumes again. Every single year my daughter comes home from the first week of school with some germ she picked up and she then misses a few days of school. I jokingly accuse her of licking the school desks, and have asked her to stop. I worry that she will start back to school and instantly pick up the most recent “Delta” variant of Covid that is said to be more contagious and more fatal. The vaccines are currently approved for children age 12 and up. She does not want to get it.

I have always been a fairly “free-range” parent. My kids don’t have a set bedtime, they don’t have to clean their plates, and I don’t force them to make vacant apologies. It does not sit well with me to “force” my child to get a vaccine she is not comfortable with. We have talked about the pros and cons. I fear she will get sicker than she did before. I fear I could catch it from her and not survive this time. I have asked her to consider it more seriously.

This is where I have to tap into what I think her dad would say. I knew him well even though we didn’t always agree. He always had her get a flu vaccine every year, which I disagreed with. I think he would “tell” her to get this vaccine. But he’s not here, so the ball bounces back to me.

This weekend her step-father lambasted her multiple times about it, humiliating her in front of others by stating that she is being selfish for not getting the vaccine and that she is part of the problem. I do not support this approach and I told her that I do not EVER want her to do ANYTHING just because somebody bullied her into doing it.

When I consider telling her that she has to get the vaccine, which I could do, I visualize her being held down and given the shot without her permission. This thought horrifies me and I quickly swat it away. My little girl is almost an adult. She will be 17 this week. In a year she is allowed to make a decision like this for herself. I feel she should have some practice making her own decisions, yet it needs to be balanced with some gentle, loving guidance.

So we discuss it over brunch after church. Not discuss…debate. She is back and forth. I’m looking up statistics, either way. She says she will go get the shot if it will “shut me up”. I relax and smile, but it’s not why I want her to do it. She debates me some more, stating her feelings that the vaccines have not been out long enough to know what the long-term side effects are. What might happen in ten years. Is it making women infertile? She says she doesn’t want to give birth anyway since I have often told her her own birth story. She is right, we don’t know. Or is she just being argumentative because she enjoys a good debate?

I half-jokingly told her I would give her $50 to get the vaccine. But that seems irrational too. And manipulative. And what if she’s right? And I’m wrong? I told her I have to trust my intuition…it’s the best tool I have and it’s usually right. I feel safer if she gets the shots rather than risking her life if she gets the “more fatal” Delta variant of Covid. I assert that her immune system is probably more run down than ever after having Covid twice, among everything else she’s been through in the last year or so. She counters that her body is probably better suited to handle Covid since she has had it twice. I don’t know the answer. She offers to get one shot and if she has any side effects she will not get the second one. I am willing to concede to this. At this point I am nearly in tears, not knowing what to do and no longer having a single sole on this planet who loves this child in exactly the same way I do.  I ask her if she is going to go or not, because she has to get to work. She says she’ll go. Sigh. What am I doing? What would Scott say?

We meet at the pharmacy that gives walk-in vaccines. There’s a sign at the door that says “Covid Antibody Tests available at the pharmacy. See if you have the antibodies to protect you against Covid”. We both light up. She says, “What if we do the antibody test to see if I still have any”. I agree. We speak to the pharmacist who says she has to sign up online. She finds the website on her phone and there is an appointment available in ten minutes. Twenty-five dollars. They can’t prick her finger because “her fingerprints drop down the side of her finger”. They can refund our money. The pharmacist has to come try. He finally gets enough blood into the slide. She gets band-aids on 3 fingers. We wait. It’s already starting to show the result but you have to wait 15 minutes. She has to leave for work. They will email us. I tell her to text me as soon as she knows. The agreement is that if she has antibodies we will revisit whether it’s necessary to get a vaccine.

In the meantime, I texted a friend who is a scientist. Have you gotten vaccinated? He said he is still weighing it out even though his son-in-law got frighteningly sick with Covid. Ugh. No help. I don’t have time for you.

I get a text. It’s from my daughter at work. She got the email. She sent me the picture. “It’s positive”. She still has the antibodies. I text back, “I am happy with this!”. I conclude that there is no reason to inject her with something when she has the natural capability of fighting this virus herself.  As she said, she’s already fought it twice. I don’t know if I would live through it again. But I feel she is safe…for now. One thing at a time. That’s what my intuition is telling me. That’s the best tool I have.

What’s next? I’m ready.