I have a deep-seated issue with jealousy.
I get jealous of people’s bodies, hair, facial features. I get jealous of women who are tall and thin and have super white teeth. I get jealous of people that look like they have it all together and have happy families. I get jealous of people’s vacations and expensive cars.
I get jealous a lot.
But over the years, I have been able to nip my own insecurity in the ass and try as hard as it is to be happy for people who look like they are living their best lives.
Here are some tips and tricks to say goodbye to the jealousy monster:
1. Remember “The grass isn’t always greener” and “You can’t judge a book by its cover”
These clever, little sayings relate to my jealousy issues in a myriad of ways. Remember Rachael Hollis and the book Girl Wash Your Face? I read it, but I took her advice with a grain of salt. Living with passion and hustle is simple, according to Hollis, “Stop breaking promises to yourself.”
What I took from the book is that if we only work hard enough and stop making excuses, all of our dreams can and will come true. She leads conferences and shows women how to “live their best lives,” but to me, it looked like smoke and mirrors.
In my mind, I can’t see busting my balls for my work 24/7 and still having time and emotional energy to be a wife and mother, and she has four kids. I have one at home and have a hard time finding work/life balance. So, in reading Rachel’s words, I was inspired, but when her family fell apart a while after this book, it made sense to me.
She also spoke of having some traumatic events in her life. I know sometimes hustle can be a deterrent from dealing with our stuff, so again, I took it all with a grain of salt. I know enough to not make an idol out of any human and if anyone is suspect when people look like they have it all together, again it’s me.
When things look picture perfect all of the time, I question the realistic qualities of these people’s actual lives. I am not punitive in my idolizing of celebs and try to remember everyone is human and it’s not all perfect. It can’t be.
2. When feeling the fire of jealousy, look within
Ya, ya, blaa, blaa. I know all of this—the look within can feel like bullsh*t, but stop before you rage on someone (I’m talking to me here) and try to figure out the root of this jealousy.
Do I not trust my partner? Have they been unfaithful to me in the past? Is this reminiscent of another past relationship? Do I have any reason to doubt my partner? Am I being irrational—who me? If possible, write down emotions that are coming up before spouting off or sending that text.
A lot of times, jealousy is stemming from our past issues with infidelity or a feeling of insecurity. If we stop to evaluate, we can usually clearly see we are overreacting and take a chill pill before sabotaging something good and being called crazy.
3. Breathe. Count to 10
I like to fly off the handle just like the next guy, but as I have gotten older and more mature (maybe), I have learned how to stuff my foot into my mouth just at the right angle so that I don’t regret making a scene and saying things I regret.
I am lucky I no longer drink because there was no pause for me when alcohol was involved, and I was the first one to catch someone looking at my man and telling them to “catch me outside.” A little time to deflect and calm down can make a huge difference in a tactful conversation and not saying things we may regret in the morning.
Take a walk, phone a friend first. Make sure if you are going to make accusations that they have founded in truth and not irrationality or jumping to conclusions. Take a quick break to look inside. Bounce what you are thinking off someone else. Someone whose judgment your trust and not just your best friend who will jump on your bandwagon. Someone honest.
4. Be honest
If you are in a relationship, it’s okay to tell your partner or potential partner that you struggle with jealousy.
I think letting the cat out of the bag is healthy. It means you are aware and your partner will know they need to be especially transparent with you from day one. This is how trust is built. You are worth having a partner who has integrity and who is where they say they will be and back when they committed to it. Some of us need a partner who doesn’t trigger our old wounds and abandonment issues and we are deserving of a partner who tells the truth. If something seems fishy, run, girl, run.
5. Check your social feed
If I’m scrolling and feeling worse and worse about myself after each time on socials, maybe I need to reevaluate who I am following.
I want real. I don’t want glossed-over images depicting only what is right. Give me truth, give me honesty. Let me see you without makeup on a day where you are drifting and not high as life. I need to see your true colors.
We are not all on all of the time and that should be a given. Give me real—let me see that you struggle too sometimes. Show me your vulnerable side. If I’m only following what is perfect, then I need to reevaluate my feed and start hitting “unfollow” to profiles that aren’t inspiring and tend to make me feel like royal sh*t.
I’m sure there are countless other tips and tricks to combat being “green with envy.” Feel free to leave more in the comments.