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“When mind, body, and spirit are in harmony, happiness is the natural result.” ~ Deepak Chopra
Hello my love,
I’ve been noticing you—feeling your presence again. I’m so grateful you made it; I had my doubts that you would.
If we find ourselves in this place again, I promise I’ll remind myself that you are a brilliant masterpiece. If there’s a next time, I will never again doubt you.
I came to terms with your flaws years ago. The scars. The stretch marks. The places that no longer possess your youthful elasticity. The rough patches that show up when you’ve been pushed to your limit and no one’s taking care of you. The strands of hair that come out in clumps.
I thought coming to terms was enough, but it wasn’t. I should have always taken care of you; instead, I poured my energy into taking care of others at your detriment. Those lessons are learned, love. It’s not something we will get tangled up in again.
You have one of the hardest tasks, but you’ve done it so well. You’ve surprised me—even when I thought I couldn’t go on any longer, you came through. You have always come through for me, even when you said “no more” and you needed a break. Even when you screamed louder after I ignored your pleas for help, for rest, for care. You kept going.
I felt you again today. It’s been so long, I nearly forgot you were there. You deserve so many apologies because you never deserved to be pushed to the limit this way. You kept screaming for help and I kept numbing your cries. I am sorry—you are a beautiful vessel of light, and I have not treated you as such.
You have carried me. I will continue to unravel the nonsense and the pain so that I may carry you in return. I will unclench your jaw and tell you to breathe deeper, because I have made you withhold our oxygen, our life source. I have made you do all of this without even allowing you the power of breath. I am so sorry, my love.
You have created life from a bundle of cells. You kept those lives safe. You were a beautiful home and you wrapped yourself around precious souls and helped deliver them everything they needed. And then, when it was my time to take over, I abandoned you.
For all the nights I told you that you were wrong, please forgive me. You begged for rest and I told you we had to keep going. We had to keep cleaning, writing, researching, reading, and doing things that didn’t truly matter. I was wrong. You told me it was time for bed. I told you I was helping our future. They say intelligence comes from me, but I see my ignorance. I understand that the brilliance comes from us becoming true friends.
Your voice requires no voice at all. You speak in feelings and nudges, heartbeats and tears. Your voice is miraculous, while mine is scatters of thought. I should have known all along that you were the one who deserved my attention. I know, now.
I will actively listen to you, but please continue to have grace with me. I’ve spent so many years taking the stage that I’ve lost control. You kept going, though. We will balance this out, together. It may take time, but I will stop wasting all of the valuable moments we share.
Today, I’m making a pact with you—an agreement of sorts.
Hang in there. Hang in there and let me learn to love you.
Together, with our spirit joining us, we will merge and begin a new chapter.
I owe it to you. You never owed me a damn thing. You are not a machine, and that is a part of what makes you so special. You are not someone’s possession. You are not someone’s punching bag. And you are not my punching bag, either.
You deserve love. And I deserve to fall in love with being in love with you.
So, that’s what we will do.
Thank you, immeasurably so, for carrying us this far.
With great love,
“Be you. Love you. All ways, always.” ~ Alexandra Elle