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Down the street from me, a golf course lays under a nightshade sky that was once a blazing orange and deep navy just a few hours earlier.
The sprinklers are on, feeding the grass to a blinding vibrant green that could be spotted from space tomorrow and all I can do is think about running through the chilly waters barefoot or naked.
I miss the days the spontaneous part of me would hop fences or sneak into places I wasn’t supposed to. Maybe I went with an eager lover or a close best friend. We would run through those sprinklers as we did in our youth when the sun was high and the summer hot.
But I’m not that same person.
That charming innocence has faded as it does with most adults now, it seems.
What’s taken its place is a bitterness, a person and soul whose life was hardened by the cruel world I didn’t see coming and, oh, how I miss such fleeting adventures.
I miss my innocence and spontaneity, these parts that people seemed to fault me for.
Now, I’m too practical. I go to bed early. I don’t take risks. I feel boring and lazy. I spend far too much time working. Rising just after dawn and fixating on my computer until well past midnight, until my soul is beyond tired and I’m unwilling to muster the energy for fun and spontaneity.
I take little time for myself to have fun, and my circle of friends to have fun with is smaller. But like me, the ones in my close circle are just as tired as me.
This isn’t how it should be.
And still, I just sit at my desk daydreaming about running through those sprinklers naked, knowing I might get caught and face consequences for my fun. But it would be worth it in this dream I’m having. The idea alone thrills me. I wish the part of me that daydreams had the same courage and yearning for play the younger me had.
I’ve lost that part of myself or misplaced it rather. I’m not sure where to find it or how to return to that sweetness I once held within me.
Life has not been easy, but that doesn’t mean great things haven’t happened. But all the great things I’ve had, I’ve worked hard for. There’s no doubt there. I just didn’t expect my innocence and exuberance to fall away with age.
But I’m tired and in need of play, laughter, joy, and the carefree spirit I once possessed. I crave it.
Now, I carry the words of my father who has watched my heart shatter time and time again. He could see a little bit of innocence in me, of that light fade.
“Don’t let this world make you hard, Kel.” He says.
But I did. I let it. I tried not to.
Today, I’m on a search to find this person I used to be so I can fuse her with who I am today.
But for now, I’m sitting here, filling my head with the exhilarating ideas of hopping fences.