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One morning I woke up and my mental switch had finally flipped.
All of a sudden, my mind and emotions were aligned. No more ruminating, no more overthinking and overanalyzing, no more living in the past. Instead, I was excited about the future, while being happy in the present.
I’m in my mid-thirties now, and I couldn’t be more thankful for the fact that I am single without children, because my healing process isn’t finished yet. Had I married before, I would have never even started the healing process. Had I had children, I would have passed on trauma that had been passed on to me from previous generations. There is plenty of generational trauma within my family. I suffered. My parents suffered. My grandparents suffered. My children would have suffered.
We attract what we are. Not just in romantic relationships, but also in friendships. Needless to say, most of my allies were broken too.
The healing path came with the realization that some relationships just weren’t serving me anymore. What I loved doing in the past now felt like a waste of time to me. But don’t get me wrong, all the trash-TV-style drunk moments and memories will always put a smile on my face. My twenties were priceless. I traveled the world and had fun, but I never had a plan for life. No visions, no ambition. I could write a book about my chaotic adventures. However, I don’t want my old life back.
I am not that girl anymore.
The truth is, we cannot take everyone with us when we grow. Not everyone wants to change. And I know I am the problem as I am the one who is not the same anymore.
I am moving on, by myself. I have outgrown my friends and am not yet healed enough to find a new circle. I am happier by myself working on an action plan for my future than hanging out with friends at a restaurant or a bar talking about things that seem irrelevant to me at the moment.
When I leave the house, I get compliments all the time and I notice men looking at me—cashiers, bank tellers, whoever I interact with. People are over-friendly to me and random people grant me a smile because I must have that “I’m happy-vibe,” and I love it.
While I used to be intimidated a lot when I was younger, I now know who I am and what I am worth, which is exactly why I don’t need that outside validation anymore. I don’t need to drink anything away, because there are no underlying emotions anymore. I no longer have to beg anyone to spend time with me, because I enjoy my own company. I no longer feel as if I have to do things that I really don’t want to do because I finally mastered the art of standing up for myself, even if that means pissing off other people. I no longer have to be nice when I don’t want to because I have become totally independent—emotionally independent.
I am glowing and everyone can see.
Here’s what I didn’t expect and what I wasn’t prepared for:
Not everyone is happy for us when we grow. Some people don’t like the fact that we now have boundaries, some people don’t like that we’re doing something they are not capable of, and others simply don’t like that we are not what they thought we were anymore. Not only can we outgrow people, but we can also outglow them.
Some will make fun of us or try to belittle us when they notice our changed behavior. Others will make it seem as if our boundaries are disrespecting them and as a result, they might angrily walk out of our lives.
The old me was scared of being alone, but the new me chooses connection over company, new visions over old problems, and new beginnings over never-ending dysfunction.
Peace of mind is what I enjoy, while a lot of my friends are still in survival mode. The German word “Lebensabschnittsgefährte,” which can be translated to English as a “life-stage companion” is what I like to call these friendships.
Not everyone is meant to stay forever and my peace is more important than any unhealed trauma of a loved one. I don’t hold grudges. If I loved a person then, the love is still there and will most likely be there forever. I just wasn’t prepared for so many of my friendships to fall apart when I became my happiest. I always assumed that whoever was there at my lowest would automatically be there with me at my highest, too.
Healing is a process—don’t lose yourself in it. It is okay to outgrow relationships.
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne W. Dyer