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I’d like to share some important sexual words with you, and then put them in a specific context and experience.
Before you get all excited, these may not be the words you’re expecting. However, they are words we should still get excited about because they can help us have more sex (and more fulfilling sex).
The experience we’re going to connect these words to is something that’s come up a lot lately with people I’ve been working with and in online discussions and questions. And once you get it in this experience, you’ll be able to use it in so many ways.
And as simple as it may be, they can help us have more sex. Because, when we’re deeply pleasured and fulfilled, have a space to explore, expand our experience, and create more sensation, we want more of that.
When we’re heard and acknowledged, we feel so good; something inside of us, something so important, is touched, and we want more of that.
And this is not just for men—it’s for everyone and everything sensual and erotic.
Read these words carefully, and then read them again.
Harder. Faster. Slower. Softer. Left. Right. Up. Down. Change. Deeper. Shallower.
They are so sexy—even if you’re not sure of that right now.
The experience we’re going to connect these words to is clitoral stimulation and touch.
We’re often not taught sexual communication. We’re not taught how to ask for what we want, and we’re not taught to ask our partners what they want. It can be a minefield, and a big part of that is in our own minds.
And what’s interesting is that when we do know how to talk about what we want and like, do we know how to listen, hear, or receive what we’re being told? Really take it in.
We have a lot of beliefs like:
I know how this is supposed to be. I should know how to do this. I’ve done it before and it worked (or you think it did). He should know how to do this. She should know how to do this. If she didn’t like it, she’d say so. She knows what she likes. I saw it in porn and it looked good. I don’t know what else to do, so I’ll do what I know.
So, let’s put it in the context of clitoral stimulation:
Begin by looking into each other’s eyes and breathe into your hearts. This brings you into the space of presence; it creates intimacy. You begin to relax.
Make time to have a “learning experience.” Talk about it first. Have a clear discussion. Set clear boundaries. Create safety. Create a warm, comfortable space. Have lube or oil—the clitoris does not self-lubricate.
In the understanding that this is about learning and exploring each other, there’s no pressure or need to “perform.” It’s about sensation, feeling, and not going anywhere other than here—right here, right now.
Kiss and touch each other as much as you both want. Sit between your partner’s legs or lie next to her in any way that’s comfortable.
Spread some lube on her yoni. Stroke all around her yoni and her lips. Take time. Begin touching her clitoris through the hood—on the sides.
Ask her if she’d like you to touch her softer or slower—she only needs to say yes.
Ask her if she’d like you to move left, right, up, or down—she only needs to say yes.
Ask her if she’d like you to move to a different spot—she only needs to say yes.
Every time you move your fingers, every time you do something different, ask:
Harder? Faster? Slower? Softer? Left? Right? Up? Down? Change? Deeper? Shallower?
You can make circles; you can go up and down; you can go across. The letters of the alphabet can feel fantastic. You can squeeze gently. You can pulsate your finger on her clitoris.
Ask. Listen. Know that sometimes two millimetres can be the difference between something feeling good and feeling, oh, oh, don’t stop, just there, just like that, ohhhh!
Let the experience end the way she would like it to. This is where safety becomes so important. As you understand this, you’ll see how you can use it in so many other ways—touching his lingam, oral pleasure, penetrative sex, touch, kissing, anal stimulation. It also opens the door to more open communication about so many aspects of sex, pleasure, and relationship.
So, how does this help you have more sex? You may ask.
I’ve said it already, and I’ll say it again:
When we’re deeply pleasured and fulfilled, have a space to explore, expand our experience, and create more sensation, we want more of that. When we’re heard and acknowledged, we feel so good; something inside of us, something so important, is touched, and we want more of that.
I’d love to hear about your experiences with this, please message me and let me know.