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Not too long ago, I experienced a painful loss.
I broke up with my fiancé, whom I dearly love. Even though I know this separation was for the best, it was difficult to end such a close relationship after four years.
Before learning energy-shifting work, I would have distracted myself. I would have talked to all of my friends about it, binged on ice cream, and watched tons of junky TV with my daughter.
Maybe I would’ve experienced some temporary numbness, but for sure, I would’ve been pushing down the truth. I would have been only pretending that everything was okay, and I wouldn’t have done the one thing that would’ve moved me toward emotional healing—feeling the feelings as they came up.
I realize now that the distractions so many of us engage in when we experience loss are like a drug. It makes sense that we want to feel good, but pushing down what you’re truly feeling doesn’t serve you.
Not allowing one’s self to be with the pain delays healing, and closing down will only trap the emotions in the body. These trapped emotions then become energetic blocks in your life and “disease” in your body.
My breakup was a difficult transition, and there were tons of tears and conflicting, uncomfortable feelings, but I embraced it all during this process.
In spite of the discomfort, I refuse to ever close down again. I know how incredibly detrimental it is, not only from personal experience, but also from working with hundreds of people to release their own emotional pain.
Instead, I allowed myself to cry as much as I needed to, and tears flowed in a way that I have never experienced before. I know the release was about more than just the breakup. Many other thoughts and feelings came up too, and I welcomed them and sat with each of them.
As many thoughts and feelings come up, I open my heart as much as possible to them, and I sit with whatever pain and discomfort want to be felt. I embrace and feel the feelings completely. Most importantly, I love myself and give myself compassion through this process.
As a result, I feel pretty close to completely healed. It’s been a couple of months now, and I have only occasional moments of missing him. Before I came to energy-shifting work, it would’ve taken me a lot longer to get to where I am now, and it’s possible that I would’ve developed a wall around my heart that I wasn’t even aware of, which would’ve closed me off to deep love. I could have potentially missed out on a beautiful relationship because I was too shut down.
I practiced heart-opening yoga sequences and meditations for extra measure. I stuck to my normal routine, but I was gentler with myself. As a result, I felt a sort of purity along with the sadness. Instead of contracting and closing down, which is so common after loss, my heart feels like it has expanded and opened more than ever.
I am filled with grace and light because I chose to open up.
I understand that grief is a process that can’t be rushed. Pain is a part of life that cannot be avoided even through spiritual work. It’s important to remember that pain is okay to experience. Just because you feel sad, depressed, or angry, doesn’t at all mean that you are doing something wrong.
However, you don’t have to stay stuck in that loop, and you don’t have to allow pain to shut you down.
When my clients and students are experiencing pain and loss, I remind them it’s okay to grieve and to feel whatever they are feeling.
We go through a simple step-by-step process that they can use in real-time:
>> First, when you are feeling something painful, even if you’re in the middle of doing something, slow down, or better yet, take a moment to pause. Slow your breathing, then talk to the emotion and acknowledge its presence.
Say something like, “Sadness, I see you. Welcome.”
It’s really important to allow it in fully.
>> Relax your body and breathe into your heart. This will allow you to feel whatever wants to be felt more deeply. Open up by relaxing and breathing slowly. When you do this, you are allowing the healing process to happen. Don’t close down by getting tense or trying to avoid what’s coming up; you will delay the healing.
>> Open up even more by saying to the feeling, “Sadness (or whatever the feeling is), thank you for being here. Stay as long as you like. I give you all the space and time you need.”
Many of my clients and students hesitate to do this because they are afraid that the “negative” feeling will stay longer. However, I have always found that when you drop your resistance and give the emotion all the space and time it needs, it dissipates much more quickly than if you try to make yourself feel better.
Making yourself feel better doesn’t actually work anyway. It’s like covering poop with sugar and calling it ice cream. Your body will always know when you’re suffering and pushing away the truth.
>> Which leads us to the next step—asking for truth and guidance.
Ask the emotion, “What do you need me to know?”
If you have space and time to do so, sit in silence and just listen. An answer will eventually pop up. It may come in the form of an emotion, a vision, or even direct instruction. If you don’t receive a message at first, it is only because you don’t usually practice this kind of listening. Try again and again, and at the end of each “session,” always thank your heart.
>> Place your hands on your heart, breathe slowly in and out, as if you are breathing through the center of your chest, and tell your heart, “I will not abandon you ever again. I am here, and I want to listen to you from this moment on.”
This is so hugely powerful if you truly do take time to listen and tune in to what your heart wants to say.
Sometimes the heart can be so closed down that it needs a bit more “intensive care” in order to open.
You can watch my free heart-opening webinar if you feel like your heart is closed and you’d like further help: