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October 8, 2021

Haunted by the Past: Fear & the Ghosts of our Trauma.

 

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We’re aware of our responsibility to reverse the effects of trauma, but we’re afraid to move.

I woke up from yet another lovely dream of being in love with my life.

The nightmares have long stopped. Now I’m haunted by dreams of intimate bliss. Of kisses and snuggles, comfort, security, and happiness. 

I also woke up to yet another day of mountains I did not wish to climb.

After two days and nights of sleep, I felt the urge to stop, drop, and asana. But I kept walking toward the stairs where I would lay back down and return to my sweet dreams.

He texted me last night. He made another attempt to see me. Why would he want to see me? I don’t even want to see me. 

I could have changed the routine I’ve been stuck in. I could have stretched, got on the treadmill, journaled, made breakfast. I could have started my day differently. I could have taken our relationship to the next level.

I could have created a new reality. But I didn’t. I lay in my dented spot on my couch and felt sick to my stomach. I tossed, turned, and shook with anxiety. I sweated disappointment, knowing I only had myself to blame.

I reflected on the days where I would easily give in to these changes in routine. I would move differently and let it lead me down the exciting path of newness.

Am I not ready? Or am I comfortable in my discomfort? The unknown intimidates me. I’m back where I was 10 years ago. Afraid of what change would do to my predictability. Despite how much I hate it.

The burns beneath my skin remind me of why I’m afraid to move. The paths I walked down with my naïve heart, full of love and hope. Negativity can’t harm me if I keep walking toward my dreams. 

Until it did.

Now I lay here, wondering, will I live the rest of my life, only feeling my desires in my sleep? Or will I get up and grab a pocket full of faith so that they can still become a reality?

When will I believe I’m worth it?

I know that if I stay here, I won’t. Not until I change my moves. Not until I’m brave enough to walk back into the unknown. To overlook my scars and stand in my power again. To dig deep within myself and let the girl who dreams live.

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