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I’m sick of the “spiritual” world.
The more I got to know it over the past couple of years, the more I witnessed the many shadow sides in it all.
The more I saw how full it is of people full of themselves.
The more agitated I got over a supposedly inclusive world, the more I could see how it created polarity (even amid a pandemic).
The more I was able to observe yoga classes and tantra retreats full of white people.
The more #loveandlight I saw on my feed, the more I was able to see the division and inequality in it all.
The more my mouth dropped when I saw the start of a movement of people that found the answer in extreme right political parties.
The more I participated in circles and events about safety, the more I felt the opposite.
The more I saw in an “open-minded” world, the more I saw it was frowned upon to discuss things because that would say everything about our ego.
Spiritual realm: it’s okay to have an ego; it’s okay to have an opinion; it’s okay to say what we think. It doesn’t make us “lower” than the higher truths we (at the end of the day) all understand.
Our (healthy) ego is here to let us survive as a species and evolve into conscious beings. But, we have such a long road to take before we all understand that “we are one.” Before we get there, we have to scream from the top of our lungs, our truth. We’re living in a society that so desperately asks for riots and people standing up to raise their unheard voices. We need everyone to get to the place of oneness.
The more I delved into the spiritual world, the more I wanted to distance myself from it all (or at least be picky with the events I go to and who I surround myself with.)
And trust me when I say:
I tried to have the talks, although my voice was shaking. I tried to open the dialogue, although I cried, home alone, after that. But the more I did, the more I got spiritually bypassed, and the more I realized this is not who or what I want to surround myself with.
Shortly after coming out of an unhealthy relationship dynamic (where one of the main things I was attracted to was his interest in consciousness and self-development), I experienced an awakening without ever reading a book about how that “works.” Words won’t do justice compared to what I went through at that time.
The year that followed, the universe continuously tried to ask me, on several occasions and events:
>> Have you learned your lesson now?
>> Can you express yourself now?
>> Can you set boundaries now?
>> Can you stand up for yourself now?
And, most importantly:
>> Can you walk away now?
Through trial and error, I approached things differently this time around. But it was often difficult, and my answer was still a no. Until, one day, it became a big f*cking yes! It came about when I got asked by a person in a group: “But you do realize you are increasing the polarity when you walk away now—right?”
That I understood. This is exactly why I’m doing the right thing—this is why I should walk away.
Sure, I love my daily spiritual practices, my daily meditations, and journaling. I love becoming aware of my thoughts and my awareness. And on occasion, I love experiencing different levels of consciousness because of some magical plants Mother Earth has given us.
I’ve been talking about all these topics for years now. But always, always, with a 50 percent Deepak and 50 percent Tupac attitude. After I’ve done a practice or a ceremony and my head is in the clouds, I land back on Mother Earth with both feet on the ground.
The more people I met in the spiritual community, the more I realized how an amazing spiritual lesson my entire life has been.
My biggest spiritual community has always been my inner circle. My family and friends, who I’ve attracted from the moment I was born, have both been my most significant confrontations and mirrors, and have also been a blessing and safe haven.
I even remember when I met my current partner that I was able to say: “He’s not in the spiritual world; he’s simply living it.” And I loved that. His norms and values are in absolute alignment with what all higher truths stand for—living an honest, loving, authentic life toward ourselves and the people we hold dear. He understood everything a divine masculine being is supposed to be by being it. (The why and the psychoanalysis from my side followed soon, obviously).
He understands the difference between the ego and the authentic self without giving it those words (between the body, mind, and soul) because he embodies it in everything he is and does.
He understands everything already lives within us; it’s a matter of whether we want to see it or not. We don’t need a tantra retreat or a consciousness group for that. We need friends and family who we can trust. We need silence and honest reflection toward ourselves. We need to be in a home where we can feel safe to simply be. (And it also helps if we were raised in a home like that.) He has his friends, sports, job, and everything casual that can come off as “not-spiritual” to someone else. He has a good heart, a sweet soul, and a wise, loving mind—his own beautiful spiritual essence.
You see: the biggest spiritual retreat is the life we are already leading right now.
The only question is if we are willing to look in the mirror while we’re at it. We need to make sure we don’t surround ourselves with assholes, but with people, we can be 100 percent unapologetically ourselves with when we do.