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Do you really see me?

Do you see me behind my physical movement practice and my body? Did you know I do two hours of daily practice, teach, and get up at 5 a.m. to make time before work and family obligations? I have nearly nine years of training behind me that have given me this body and these skills. I have personal training and yoga teacher qualifications.

Do you see me behind the books I read and the words I say? Do you see the life I have lived—the things I’ve overcome and the lessons learned? A woman who finally began to tell her story because she was tired of feeling ashamed, and of being shamed by others.

Do you see me behind every response to a comment, message, post, or art shared by me? I do not have someone else creating or responding for me; I spend time responding personally in a world that often does not respond. It may take time but it is always me responding in a not-so-authentically-connected world.

Do you see my physical and mental abuse, my anxiety and depression, behind the skin of the woman that you see and judge? The tears shed, the hits of another’s hand felt, the loneliness endured, the police visits, the failed suicide attempt, the child lost, the heart aching—I feel a sense of failure and that people are judging me.

Do you see the hours of movement and meditation that I spent to keep working on my mental health, and to believe in life and me again? To stand up over and over again.

Do you see me, my words, my heart, my soul—me?

Do you see me the regular girl? The cleaning, the cooking, bill-paying, the longing to see my family but I can’t because of COVID-19, the I-do-not-feel-enough (like we all feel), the searching for more, the hoping that I am doing a good job but never truly knowing if I am.

Do you see me?

I just wanted you all to think, do we see each other, truly? If we answer honestly, between our pains, our judgments, our projections, and our thoughts: we don’t.

I want to ask you this: how can we do a better job of seeing each other, and holding respect for one another, and creating an upward spiral of kindness in this world?

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